The Shaq Theory

My high school basketball coach once told me, "Brian, a great center will win you games, but a great guard will win you championships." Fitting, considering during my best high school basketball season I was the all-league center on a quality yet guard-less squad that finished the year 14-13 and reached the second round of the C.I.F. Southern Section Championships.

I didn't quite understand his logic until the following season (the year after I graduated) when he was able to somehow lure a proven high school point guard (who had just come off a C.I.F. Southern Section Championship the year before) to a less-than-outstanding basketball program at my Alma Mater. The team, which basically had all the same parts from my senior season, instantly took off. They began embarrassing teams by 20-30 points a night while leaving a vapor trail behind them in the standings.

Naturally, my jealousy kicked in. I saw that these once uncoordinated, unreliable basketball players were finally coming into their own behind the play of their all-world point guard. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I encountered sleepless nights wondering how my career would've benefited from playing alongside a skilled PG night in and night out.

I envisioned a situation similar to Owen Wilson's acting career. Starting out, you sort of knew who I was and semi-respected me because I held my own in movies like "Armageddon" and "The Haunting," but it wasn't until I teamed up with creative mastermind Ben Stiller that my career blossomed. A year later, I'm Owen Freakin' Wilson!!! I had a good run with Stiller running the point in comedies like "Meet the Parents," "Meet the Fockers," and "Zoolander," and even branched out on my own in "Wedding Crashers." (But eventually without Stiller's influence, I hit the down slope of my career and now all I do is put out box office deadpans like "Marley and Me," "Drillbit Taylor," and "You, Me and Dupree." But that's besides the point.)

Looking back on my high school basketball career I couldn't have played any better over a three year stretch (20 ppg/10 rpg for three solid seasons) yet we only made it to the post season my junior year. Then after my departure a quality point guard comes in and instantly takes the team - and school - to unworldly heights.

These parallels bring me to the career of the always entertaining, very quotable and quite exuberant Shaquille O'Neal.

Much has been made recently regarding Kobe's quest for an NBA Championship sans The Diesel, (and his dependence on Shaq for his first three rings, in the first place) yet very little has been made about Shaq's diminishing value, childish behavior and his dependence on #24 for his three rings.

Shaquille O'Neal was once the most dominating force on this planet. Comparable only to Liam Neeson single-handily tearing through Paris to find his daughter in "Taken," The Diesel destroyed opponents like The Octomom destroyed her cervix. His 27,619 points (5th all-time) and 12,566 rebounds (15th all-time) place him in legendary - repeat, legendary - company. A career full of entertainment, productivity and destruction has undoubtedly cemented Shaq's place next to Kareem, Wilt, Russell, Ewing and Olajuwon in the Centers wing of the NBA Hall of Fame.

His four NBA championships and three Finals MVPs speak for themselves. (Come to think of it, it's really amazing how Nike hasn't replaced the post-humorous LeBron puppet with a Shaq puppet yet. I mean what would be more entertaining then seeing the two of them go at it for :45 seconds. Just imagine all the taunting Puppet Shaq would be doing to Puppet Kobe: "Yo! Kobe! I'm making dinner, can you tell me how my [bleep] tastes!" or "You ain't gettin it Kobe, you ain't gettin it!" or "Kobe, you lookin for your championship rings? Oh, here they are, right here on my fingers!" The possibilities are literally endless. With Shaq's sense of humor and Nike's creative genius a Shaq/Kobe Nike commercial could give all those classic Kobe/LeBron Nike commercials a run for their money.) However, The Diesel isn't exactly taking the quiet approach to this year's NBA Finals.

Never mind the fact Shaq's two former teams are competing for the vacant NBA crown, Shaq has repeatedly taken shots at and voiced his displeasure for former coach Stan Van Gundy and has continued to belittle the heir apparent to his XXXXL throne, Dwight Howard.

In February of 2008, Bill Walton criticized Shaq's (who was playing in Miami at the time) integrity by questioning the severity of his documented injuries that forced him to miss an extensive amount of time. Those injuries eventually led to Miami frantically dealing him to Phoenix for some Cactus Cooler and an armadillo. What Walton was getting at was Shaq's miraculous recovery after leaving Miami. To make a long story short Walton questioned Shaq's motives and wondered whether Superman was faking his injuries to get a first-class ticket out of South Beach, considering the honeymoon with the Heat was fading, fast. Walton rationalized this critique once Shaq's seemingly severe injuries disappeared upon his arrival in Phoenix where he performed a cannon ball into the fountain of youth and emerged a rejuvenated Diesel in 08'.

Needless to say Shaq took offense to Walton's comments and quickly flung a few zingers Walton's way, mentioning that Walton had "broken the Big Man's Code." Well, a year and a half later, on the cusp of the biggest month of Howard's budding young career, Shaq has openly ridiculed the reigning defensive player of the year even going as far as tweeting a repulsive picture of a Stan Van Gundy/Dwight Howard baby. Who's breaking the Big Man's Code now?

I mean, if there is a Big Man's Club bound together by a Big Man's Code, doesn't the man with the biggest shoulders in sporting history have a membership?

Shaq's bitterness towards his former team (Orlando) apparently comes from his jealous, I'm The Great Shaq Didn't You See Me In "Kazaam" nature. The years following his premature departure from Los Angeles, O'Neal did everything but mold a replica Larry O'Brien trophy out of paper mache to claim a Kobe-less NBA title (which he was able to accomplish in 2005 with the Heat). Contrary to what Shaq may have said at the time, Shaq didn't win the title for the city of Miami. Or the Heat. Or Dwayne Wade. Or Pat Riley. In the days and years following the 05'-06' season, it appeared more and more like he solemnly cared about winning a title for himself; more importantly away from The City of Angels to prove to the world the Lakers made a mistake for trading him.

Fast forward to 2009, now that Kobe had a real shot at winning his first Shaq-less NBA title the tides have suddenly turned which gives me a chance to propose a new twist on the highly-disputed question: Did Kobe need Shaq to win his three rings or is it the other way around?

Well, after hours of mindlessly rummaging through basketball-reference.com like Nick Cage rummaging through piles of ludicrous prospective movie scripts (see: Bangkok Dangerous and Ghost Rider) I can offer this conclusion: Shaq needed Kobe to win his first three rings.

Shaquille O'Neal came into the league in 1992. As a rookie, his Orlando squad missed the playoffs as O'Neal started 81 games for the fifth year, Florida-based franchise. His averages that year: 23.4 ppg, 13.9 rpg, 3.5 bpg. Astonishing. Epic. Unbelievable, even. It's safe to say the big man with the bigger personality nabbed Rookie of the Year honors in a draft class that included eventual teammates Alonzo Mourning and Robert Horry. The Magic finished the season at a respectable 41-41 but the 20-year-old O'Neal spent his first NBA summer watching the playoffs from his king sized bed.

In his sophomore outing Shaq averaged 29.3 ppg, 13.2 rpg, 2.9 bpg and led the Magic to their first ever playoff appearance where they fell to the Indiana Pacers in the first round, 3-0. In Shaq's first postseason appearance, he averaged 20.7/13.3/2.3. The Diesel had officially arrived. Over the next two years (his two final years in Orlando) Shaq averaged 25.7/11.9/3.3 (ast.) in the 94' playoffs and 25.8/10.0/4.6 (ast.) in the 95' playoffs, yet his team got swept in the NBA Finals by the Rockets and then again in the Eastern Conference Finals by the Michael Jordan-led Bulls.

During Shaq's three playoff runs in Orlando he had an up-and-coming Penny Hardaway who threw up increasing season averages over the course of three years and a more than reliable Nick Anderson handling the rock. However, after four years of missed opportunities and shortcomings, Shaq left The Sunshine State in the summer of 1996 with a mediocre playoff record of 18-18.

Enter Los Angeles.

At the time of Shaq's arrival in La La Land, the Lakers had come fresh off an impressive 53-win season yet their season came to an abrupt end with a disappointing first round exit (3-1 to the Rockets) in the playoffs. Instantly, the Shaq acquisition brought new hope to Lakers fans who longed for the days of the Showtime Lakers. Shaq finished his inaugural Lakers season averaging 26.2/12.5/2.9 alongside a versatile, second-year swingman in Eddie Jones (17.2 ppg/4.1 rpg/3.4 apg), a serviceable point guard in Nick Van Exel (15.3 ppg/8.5 apg), and an 18-year-old rookie by the name of Kobe Bryant. Shaq's Lakers lost in the Western Finals that year, 4-1 to the Utah Jazz (Shaq's playoff averages: 26.9/10.6; Kobe's averages: 8.2/1.2), followed by a demoralizing 4-0 sweep the next year at the hands of the same Jazz squad (Shaq's playoff averages: 30.5/10.2; Kobe's averages: 8.7/1.9) .

In the lockout-shortened 1998-99 season the Lakers finished with a 31-19 record and got swept in the Western semifinals by the eventual NBA champs San Antonio Spurs. That season an up-and-coming Kobe Bryant emerged as a quality guard, apparent by his increasing averages throughout the season (points: 19.9, rebounds: 5.3, assists: 3.8) and in the postseason (19.8/6.9/4.6).

In the 1999-2000 campaign the Lakers had finally become a full-fledged powerhouse as they finished with a league best 67-15 record and steamrolled their way to the NBA Finals. That year Shaq put up a career high in points, averaging 29.7 over the course of the season en route to being named league MVP. A maturing Kobe Bryant once again increased his numbers, averaging a then career high 22.5 ppg/6.3 rpg/4.9 apg. The Shaq/Kobe combo went on to beat the Pacers in six games to claim their first title together and the Lakers 12th title as a franchise. During that magical playoff run Shaq averaged a historic 30.7 ppg, 15.4 rpg, 3.1 apg on his way to collecting his first Finals MVP. Yet, Kobe wasn't a slotch by any means. Kobe's impressive emergence in the 2000 NBA playoffs (21.1/4.5/4.4) suddenly blasted him to superstardom.

The following year Shaq averaged 30.4/15.4/3.2 as the Lakers went on to demolish an overmatched 76ers squad in five games to complete the title defense. That year, an improving Bryant put up equally impressive numbers including 28.5 ppg on the season and an inspiring 29.4 ppg/7.3 rpg/6.1 apg during the playoffs. It was official, even though Shaq nabbed his second consecutive Finals MVP, Kobe Bryant had arrived.

In the final Dynasty year, the Lakers (58-24) swept the overwhelmed New Jersey Nets to claim their third title in as many years behind the Kobe/Shaq duo and their 26.6 ppg and 28.5 ppg playoff averages, respectively. Like clockwork, Shaq claimed his third consecutive Finals MVP as Kobe once again played Robin to Shaq's Batman.

Now as you take time to digest all those number I just threw at you, remember that Shaq was putting up huge playoff numbers in an Orlando uniform (three years: 25.3 ppg/11.6 rpg) yet couldn't quite reach a title. And it's not like Shaq didn't have help during his time in Florida. His swingman Penny Hardaway averaged a respectable 18.7/6.7/7.0 in 93-94, 19.6/3.8/7.7 in 94-95 and 23.3/4.7/6.0 in 95-96. As a matter of fact, during that three year stretch Penny Hardaway was a starter on the All-Star team in 94' and 95' and carried the Magic to a 17-5 record after Shaq went down with an injury to start the 95' season. In other words, it's not like Shaq was playing with cast-offs, has-beens and fresh-out-of-high-school scrubs.

Even during his first two years in a Lakers uniform, Shaq was unable to take his team to the promise land with Jones and Van Exel as his sidekicks. It wasn't until Kobe Bryant emerged as a legitimate scorer and one of the top 20 players in the league that Shaq begin to win in the postseason with consistency. His pre-"just heading into my prime" Kobe (1994-1998) playoff record: 29-29, no titles, .500 winning percentage. His "OK, I'm officially in my prime" Kobe playoff record through the three-peat: 48-18, three titles, .727 winning percentage.

In the larger scheme of things at this point in Shaq's career he's completely expendable. During the NBA all-star break there was talk of Shaq possibly returning to Los Angeles to play alongside Kobe again even if it meant he had to come off the bench (behind Andrew Bynum, someone else Shaq openly criticized) in a supportive role, just as long as it meant he had a shot at a title. Yeah, right. That's like saying Jennifer Aniston wouldn't mind participating in a threesome with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie if it meant she could have the third lead role in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2."

In the last four years Shaq has switched uniforms twice and it's looking more and more like he's going to be trading in his Phoenix jersey for another one this summer. Look, Shaq's nearing the end of his career, there's no doubt about that. His production - and contract - is becoming disposable as his production continues to drop. It happens. Even Joe Montana was traded to the Chiefs, Brett Favre was traded to the Jets, Hakeem Olajuwon was traded to the Raptors, Patrick Ewing was traded to the SuperSonics then to the Orlando Magic. I get it, talent begins to fade and teams start looking for younger, more agile, and cheaper players.

With this said, can you see Kobe Bryant being traded? Ever? Will the Lakers ever toss around Kobe Bryant's contract like TLC is tossing around Jon and Kate Gosselin's soon-to-be-expiring "Jon and Kate Plus 8" contract?

Forgive me if I'm wrong but I don't see it happening. Ever. Shaq will get an offer to do "Kazaam 2" before Kobe effin' Bryant gets traded.

In the end, The Diesel had all the tools and all the assets to go the distance with the Orlando Magic team he inherited his rookie season, but couldn't do it. Not his first year, his second, his third, or his fourth. He wasn't playing with the likes of Chris Mihm, Jumaine Jones, Kareem Rush, Smush Parker, Stanislav Medvedenko, Samaki Walker, and Kwame Brown like Kobe was during the post-Shaq years - to which he was endlessly being scrutinized for being a selfish player and a bad teammate. I MEAN LOOK AT THOSE GUYS!!! Those guys wouldn't be starters in a pick-up game at 24-Hour Fitness let alone the NBA.

All this postmortem talk that Kobe needed Shaq to win his three titles and now he needs to prove he can win without Shaq is bull. Unfortunately, what keeps this discussion going is Shaq's antics throughout it all. His celebration in Kobe's failures. Though Shaq may say he wants Kobe to win his fourth title this year, a part in him certainly knows if #24 is to raise the Larry O'Brien trophy in two weeks time, Kobe not only won without him, he one-upped him. Unlike Shaq, Kobe can confidently say he was the best player on a post-Dynasty team.

Like my coach told me, a great center will win you games, but a great guard will win you championships. Shaq will go down as one of the top-5 centers of all-time when it's all said and done, but you better believe his hand would definately be a lot lighter had it not been for the emergence of one, Kobe Bryant.