Come October, the Angels can't beat the Red Sox; not in Fenway, in Anaheim, in Williamsport, in Omaha, anywhere.
If last night's 7-5 was lost any indication of the Angels future - the Angels better switch leagues.
The 2008 American League West Champions took the field last night down 0-1, needing to win Game 2 in order to stay alive (35 teams have gone down 0-2 in a best-of-five series and only five have come back to win the series). With Ervin Santana (16-7) taking the mound, every Angel fan longed for the Ervin Santana of October 4, 2005. Almost three years to the day in Game 5 of the ALDS, Santana (a rookie at the time) replaced the eventual American League Cy Young award winner, Bartolo Colon after Colon injured his right shoulder in the first inning. In five and a third innings Santana limited the dangerous Yankees lineup to just three runs on five hits and collected the win in the Angels' 5-3 victory, which sent them back to the ALCS for the first time since their championship run of 2002.
In the top of the first, when excitement was still at an all-time high, Ervin recorded two quick outs. Then, he gave up a knock to Big Papi, then Kevin Youkilis singled, then J.D. Drew doubled, scoring David Ortiz. Then game 1 hero Jason Bay stepped to the plate. Bay, who put the Red Sox ahead for good in game 1 with a two-run bomb, added another dinger to his postseason resume, sending this one to the deepest part of the ballpark. An interesting fact: the Angels don't have a home run in 60 some odd playoff innings, Jason Bay had two in a span of three.
Finding themselves down in a hole, the Angels clawed their way back into the game, answering the four spot the Sox put on the board in the first, with a run of their own.
After allowing another run in the top of the fourth, the lead was stretched to 5-1. In the home half of the 4th, a Chone Figgins single scored Juan Rivera which made the score 5-2 Sox. The Angels seemed to be back in the game as they had been able to get runners on, but struggled immensely to get them in. A run in the 5th made the score 5-3 and sparked an Angels rally.
Santana settled down after allowing five consecutive 2-out hits in the first, only allowing one more run in the next four and a third innings. After a botched catch by Torii Hunter and a single by Red Sox captain Jason Varitek, Santana was relived by rookie phenom and potential 2009 Angel closer Jose Arredondo. Arrendondo, who went 10-2 as a reliever for the Angels this year, walked the first batter he faced to load the bases. After striking out Jacoby Ellsbury, he was able to get MVP candidate Dustin Pedroia to pop out to third, holding the score at 5-3 going into the bottom of the 6th.
The Angels scored individual runs in the 7th, and 8th to tie the game at 5. However, the top half of the 9th inning shut the door on not only any Angels rally, but any hopes of making it to the World Series.
After allowing a walk after tallying two outs in the 8th, Scot Shield was lifted for 62 save, 10-million-dollar closer Francisco Rodriguez. After getting out of the 8th unharmed, K-Rod came back for the 9th. After giving up a double to Big Papi, Rodriguez was able to settle down and get dangerous clean-up hitter Kevin Youkilis to ground to third for the first out of the inning. Up walked J.D. Drew.
When the ball left J.D. Drew's bat, everyone in the stadium knew it was gone. Everyone saw Torii Hunter run to wall, but everyone knew he wasn't going to be able to scale it and retrieve the ball, bringing it back along with the Angels' season. Half an hour later we were down 0-2 staring another inevitable sweep at the hands of the Red Sox in the face.
A devastated 45,354 fans filed out of the Big A for the last time this season.
So this is what it feels like to win 100 games yet not see mid-October. So this is how the 2001 Seattle Mariners (116 wins) and the 2002 Oakland A's (103 wins) felt after holding the best record in baseball, securing the American League West title, yet failing to reach the World Series.
The Red Sox' eleventh straight - yeah, eleventh straight - playoff victory over the Angels sealed the fate of the 'best team in baseball.' All that's left is the inevitable game 3 shutout via the arm of Boston ace Josh Beckett. Beckett, who boasts a career postseason record of 6-2 with a 1.73 ERA, takes the mound Sunday night at Fenway to put the final nail in the Angels 100-win coffin. Last year, Beckett threw a complete game, 4-hit shutout in Game 1 of the ALDS, against who? You guessed it, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
On a positive note, at least we're not going through the same torture as Cubs fans - yet.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The Guerrero Blunder: The Day After
I still don't think it happened.
Waking up this morning, down 1-0, hurt. It hurt deep down inside. My fan hood had been challenged, my confidence in the Angels, dented. And for good reason. 1-0 Red Sox is a lot different than 1-0 Angels, especially in a short 5-game series. Just like runners on first and second, one out, is a lot different than runner on first, two outs - which was the scenario last night.
Vladimir Guerrero, has an A-Rod esque history in the playoffs - unsuccessful at best. When he came to the Angels in 2004, a year after the 2002 Championship season, he was the worth the price of admission. Guerrero was expected to rejuvenate the aging Angels line-up and carry the Angels back to the World Series. His first year in an Angels uniform, he hit a measly 39 dingers (the third highest total in his career) and drove in a lousy 126 runs (the second highest total in his career) collecting the American League MVP award in the process - and to think he spent eight season rotting in Montreal. However, in the 2004 postseason he hit a porous .167 (3 for 12) as the Angels were swept out of the ALDS by the eventual World Champion Red Sox.
This year big daddy Vladdy, limped his way to an average of .303 and a home run total of 27 (and it was a DOWN year for the slugger). However, his defense became suspect and manager Mike Scioscia began using him as at DH more and more.
Before the acquisition of Mark Teixiera, a blessing in and of itself, Guerrero was the only guy in the Angel line-up who had a chance to hit it out of the park every time he stepped to the plate. His eagerness at the plate, which has always entertaining, yet problematic, has put every fan on the edge of their seats since his arrival in Anaheim. Every since his first swing in an Angel jersey, every fan knew he had the ability to turn any pitch 425 feet the other way.
I knew going into this postseason, for the fourth time in five years, Vlad was going to break this little funk he was in. I knew that someone was going to leave a hanging curveball and see it fly over the rocks at Angel Stadium. I had confidence that Vlad, who has become a more patient hitter since the arrival of amazingly patient power hitter Teixiera, was going to prove to everyone that his lousy playoff numbers were merely that, lousy numbers.
The first 7 1/3 innings of last night's electrifying game one was exactly what I was expecting. His two hits energized the crowd, for everyone seemingly knew about his documented problems in the playoffs. The lovable Dominican with the funky batting stance and clumsy nature, had just come up big in a tight spot, sparking an 8th inning rally sure to lead to an eventual 1-0 Angel ALDS lead.
However, one bad decision may have changed everything. I saw the ball leave Kevin Youkilis' hand that play and I'm just hoping it didn't take Vlad's confidence with it.
Red Sox, 1. Angels, 0.
I keep replaying the 8th inning fiasco in my head. I see the ball drop. I see Vlad advance to second. I see Torii reach first. Then ... I see Vlad rounding second.
The Angels (100-62) entered the playoffs with the best record in all of baseball. Their franchise record 100 wins only elevated their playoff expectations to 1990's New York Yankees level - ironic considering the Yankees missed the playoffs this year. This year's mindset, World Series or bust.
After annihilating the pathetic AL West (a division many experts picked the Mariners to win), clinching it in record speed, the Angels' sights were set on bigger and better things - ultimately a World Series title. These 2008 Angels were supposed to be different from the 2004, 2005 and 2007 teams who won the division in impressive fashion yet failed to reach the promised land.
A team loaded with power (Mark Teixiera, Vladimir Guerrero, and Torii Hunter) and finesse (Chone Figgins and Erick Aybar) took the field Wednesday night in front of a deafening crowd of 44,996, ready to prove to all the nay-sayers that they finally had what it takes to win it all. However, a familiar foe stood between the Angels and a 1-0 American League Divisional Series lead - the hated Boston Red Sox.
During the regular season, the Angels beat the Sox (or 'Saux' as many Bostonians pronounce it) eight out of nine times. Dominant right? You'd think so, especially considering the Sox were overwhelming favorites to win the World Series this year. If the regular season was any hint, the Red Sox didn't stand a chance come October. Unfortunately, those eight out of nine victories against the defending champs flew right out the window Wednesday.
Over the last few years, the Red Sox and Angels have this sort of big brother-little brother relationship. Big brother (the Red Sox) allows little brother (the Angels) to beat him up when the stakes aren't relatively high (the regular season). However, when it's time to get down to business (the playoffs) big brother always winds up taking little brother to the woodshed, leaving him demoralized and defeated. If history has shown us anything, the Angels can handle the Sox in the regular season, but once the "second" season rolls around, beating the Sox is anything but easy.
With a starting rotation made of steel, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim took the field tonight expecting to make a statement to the rest of the MLB. They were coming for the title and nothing was going to stand in their way. They took the field a rejuvenated and focused baseball team. Their eight straight playoff losses to the Saux were a distant memory.
Attending tonight's game I was especially amped up, for we had tickets last year, but never got to go on account of the three-game ALDS sweep. Chants of 'Lets go Angels,' filled the Anaheim air as we filed up to our seats. A sea of Angel red painted the stadium.
As the first pitch hit Mike Napoli's mitt, an electric atmosphere filled the stadium. The top of the first was a blur due to the mind-numbing cheers. After taking a 1-0 lead in the 3rd inning on a Torii Hunter RBI single, every Angel fan in the stadium tasted victory. In the sixth inning that taste turned sour. Manny Ramirez' heir to left field, Jason Bay, turned a John Lackey fastball into a two-run home run, silencing 44,996 people in the process. Red Sox 2, Angels, 1.
After two scoreless innings, the 8th provided the drama. Angel slugger and fan-favorite, Vladimir Guerrero lined a scorcher into right field, for his second hit of the night. Up walked Torii "Spider-Man" Hunter. After a long at-bat Torii fought off an inside fastball, sending a lofted ball over first base. It dropped in fair territory and the rally was on.
"Vladimir, wait! Why are you rounding second?!?!? ... Noooooooooo!"
Angel Stadium - silent. Their adorable slugger had just made the most incomprehensible decision of his 12-year career. A base running blunder that is sure to be remembered years from now and may go down as the worst rally-killing out in playoff history. His heart was too big. His determination backfired. He tried to do too much.
The blooper drifted over first-baseman Kevin Youkilis' head for a single. Vladimir safely reached second, but for him it wasn't enough. After seeing the ball drop, Vlad, who isn't fast by any means, decided to head to third. Youkilis grabbed the ball (by this time Vlad was barely rounding second) and threw a laser to Mike Lowell at third, easily picking off the overanxious Guerrero. As Guerrero walked back to the dugout, curiosity ensued. Why? Why Vlad?
Jonathan Papelbon's domination in the 9th (striking out the side) cemented another Red Sox playoff victory and snatched home-field advantage from the stunned Angels in the process. Their ninth straight playoff win silenced the 'Big A,' sending Halo fans home thinking, 'Uh oh, not again.'
In my mind, Vlad never rounded second. Howie Kendrick (who grounded out after the Guerrero blunder for the third out) came up and hit the go-ahead homer. K-Rod came in in the 9th and shut down the mighty Red Sox. An ecstatic crowd left the stadium thinking, 'World Series here we come.' We won the game and are now 10 wins away from claiming the title.
I've already tried to recreate that 8th inning fiasco millions of times, yet so far, Vlad has rounded second every time.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
iLove my iPod
Today, as I was getting ready to head to class I couldn't find the headphones to my iPod. Naturally, I reacted as if the Angels had just lost the World Series or as if the Lakers had just gotten obliterated by the Boston Celtics.
I was devastated. It was like someone had ripped my heart out and hid it with the headphones that I did everything but put out a search warrant for.
Jump back to last summer.
I had the unfortunate privilege of buying two iPods for someone else. No, I didn't wrap them in snowman wrapping paper and give them away as a Christmas gifts - I had them stolen. Not just one iPod, mind you, two. One of them I didn't really care for, for my parents had just bought me a new, more celebrated one.
I always used my iPod for music while driving and this night was no different. Unfortunately for me, I not only had my primary iPod (Ben Frank, as I called it, for it's green hue) with me, I also had my other one (Pablo Picasso, as I called it, for it's blue color) stahsed in the center console. "I'll just take Pablo out when I get home," I thought. I deposited Ben in the center console with Picasso as I hopped out of the car. I walked out of my friend's house that night, I jumped in my car, overjoyed to be in my Ben's presence. I opened the center console, where I had left the apple green Nano and raspberry blue shuffle, and much to my chagrin Ben and Pablo had grown legs and abandoned me.
I cursed the person who broke into my car and stole my iPods that night. Much to my dismay, I reached for my emergency CD case, which was so conveniently left behind. As I wrapped my fingers around the leather trim of the black Bodyglove case, it felt as if I was reuniting with an old friend. You know, the friend you used to talk to, but all of a sudden stopped when you realized they were a dweeb and their social status was that of a Dungeons and Dragons enthusiast. The shared bitter feelings were made evident by the jammed zipper.
At that very moment I realized I had wistfully abandoned my CDs without providing an acceptable excuse.
As I slid in this mix I had made many years prior to the MP3 boom, (I think it had "All Star" by Smash Mouth and "Wild Wild West" by Will Smith and some other pre-pubescent songs on it), the first track started to skip. "This wouldn't be happening if I had my iPod," I said under my breath. Immediately the CD ejected.
Driving home that night I realized what an entity my iPod was to me. I had my whole musical encyclopedia in a machine the size of a Kit Kat bar. With every push of the 'next' button, a new song played, a new world unfolded. I was engulfed in the new technology of the 20th century, and how could I not be? Walking around with a CD player was so 90's.
Flash forward to a few months ago.
I decided that I wanted - more like needed - a new iPod. I was dying of iPodlessness. I was getting tired of burning new CDs every time a few new songs came out. Every week or so I would burn a new CD, 16 songs of pure genius production, then Lil Wayne would put out a new song and back to the iTunes burner I went, cursing the iPod thief.
Looking at iTunes everyday was like taking a Floyd Mayweather blow to the chest. Scrolling down my 'Music' playlist left me with fond memories of life with my iPod. Not seeing Ben attached to the F: drive was like watching season eight of That 70's Show. I had iTunes but no iPod. I had a cast but no Eric.
I was patrolling around my apartment, looking frantically for my Sony headphones, calling their name hoping they would pop out and say "Gotcha!" They never did.
I went to school that day iPodless. I boldly risked so much that day. What if someone had walked up to me asking to see my iPod - wanting to judge my coolness on my 'Top 25 Most Played'? I would be humiliated. The thought of not going to class that day crossed my mind. Am I overexaggerating? Maybe. However, my iPod offered my protection. With headphones in my ear, the weezy, fat, crusty dude who sits next to me in class wouldn't dare to interrupt my music. But, headphone-less, he'd feel free to conversate with me, letting me know what he had for lunch without ever mentioning it.
As I scanned the apartment one last time, I left my silver 80 GB Classic iPod on the kitchen table amidst unfinished homework and ketchup stained paper plates. I shed a tear as I closed the door. And as I rode away, I knew that my iPod was doing the same.
I was devastated. It was like someone had ripped my heart out and hid it with the headphones that I did everything but put out a search warrant for.
Jump back to last summer.
I had the unfortunate privilege of buying two iPods for someone else. No, I didn't wrap them in snowman wrapping paper and give them away as a Christmas gifts - I had them stolen. Not just one iPod, mind you, two. One of them I didn't really care for, for my parents had just bought me a new, more celebrated one.
I always used my iPod for music while driving and this night was no different. Unfortunately for me, I not only had my primary iPod (Ben Frank, as I called it, for it's green hue) with me, I also had my other one (Pablo Picasso, as I called it, for it's blue color) stahsed in the center console. "I'll just take Pablo out when I get home," I thought. I deposited Ben in the center console with Picasso as I hopped out of the car. I walked out of my friend's house that night, I jumped in my car, overjoyed to be in my Ben's presence. I opened the center console, where I had left the apple green Nano and raspberry blue shuffle, and much to my chagrin Ben and Pablo had grown legs and abandoned me.
I cursed the person who broke into my car and stole my iPods that night. Much to my dismay, I reached for my emergency CD case, which was so conveniently left behind. As I wrapped my fingers around the leather trim of the black Bodyglove case, it felt as if I was reuniting with an old friend. You know, the friend you used to talk to, but all of a sudden stopped when you realized they were a dweeb and their social status was that of a Dungeons and Dragons enthusiast. The shared bitter feelings were made evident by the jammed zipper.
At that very moment I realized I had wistfully abandoned my CDs without providing an acceptable excuse.
As I slid in this mix I had made many years prior to the MP3 boom, (I think it had "All Star" by Smash Mouth and "Wild Wild West" by Will Smith and some other pre-pubescent songs on it), the first track started to skip. "This wouldn't be happening if I had my iPod," I said under my breath. Immediately the CD ejected.
Driving home that night I realized what an entity my iPod was to me. I had my whole musical encyclopedia in a machine the size of a Kit Kat bar. With every push of the 'next' button, a new song played, a new world unfolded. I was engulfed in the new technology of the 20th century, and how could I not be? Walking around with a CD player was so 90's.
Flash forward to a few months ago.
I decided that I wanted - more like needed - a new iPod. I was dying of iPodlessness. I was getting tired of burning new CDs every time a few new songs came out. Every week or so I would burn a new CD, 16 songs of pure genius production, then Lil Wayne would put out a new song and back to the iTunes burner I went, cursing the iPod thief.
Looking at iTunes everyday was like taking a Floyd Mayweather blow to the chest. Scrolling down my 'Music' playlist left me with fond memories of life with my iPod. Not seeing Ben attached to the F: drive was like watching season eight of That 70's Show. I had iTunes but no iPod. I had a cast but no Eric.
I was patrolling around my apartment, looking frantically for my Sony headphones, calling their name hoping they would pop out and say "Gotcha!" They never did.
I went to school that day iPodless. I boldly risked so much that day. What if someone had walked up to me asking to see my iPod - wanting to judge my coolness on my 'Top 25 Most Played'? I would be humiliated. The thought of not going to class that day crossed my mind. Am I overexaggerating? Maybe. However, my iPod offered my protection. With headphones in my ear, the weezy, fat, crusty dude who sits next to me in class wouldn't dare to interrupt my music. But, headphone-less, he'd feel free to conversate with me, letting me know what he had for lunch without ever mentioning it.
As I scanned the apartment one last time, I left my silver 80 GB Classic iPod on the kitchen table amidst unfinished homework and ketchup stained paper plates. I shed a tear as I closed the door. And as I rode away, I knew that my iPod was doing the same.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Jon Stewart is the Roger Ebert of the News
Jon Stewart can’t help it – he’s funny. Just like Milli Vanilli couldn’t help it - they couldn’t sing. And just like Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper can’t help it – they love to watch movies.
In this day and age where there are tons of movies premiering each week, the casual movie go-er needs to know which ones are worth the price of admission.
A lot of people listen to what Roger Ebert has to say and turn to him for movie guidance, oftentimes trusting his judgment more than their own.
Why is this?
Simply put, Roger Ebert knows what makes a good movie.
Granted he’s an esteemed movie critic, why do we trust his evaluation of romantic movies when, from what I’ve seen, his romantic side falls way of the Terminator compared to Shakespeare. Better yet, why do we trust him to critique comedies when he appears more Pacino than Stiller?
His expertise in movie criticizing and his longevity in the business screams reliability. Even though he’s probably not the first person you’ll go to for romantic advice or the first person you’ll want to see do stand-up, he is the first person you’ll go to for movie advice.
Jon Stewart is the Roger Ebert of the news.
Jon Stewart has appeared alongside Adam Sandler in Big Daddy and Robin Williams in Man of the Year. However, Stewart may be most known for his comedic news show on Comedy Central – Not CNN. Not NBC. Not CBS. Comedy Central.
Though many of the shows on Comedy Central have little relevance to politics and current events, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart offers viewers a light-hearted spin on the news. Yet, no matter how much news he covers, he’ll never be considered a “news” anchor.
Consider Jon Stewart more of a Rodney Dangerfield than a Tom Brokaw – he don’t get no respect.
Many traditional news anchors look down on Stewart’s show as they see little or no worth in his comedy show about politics and news. However, it’s this comedy show about politics and news that is starting to grab more and more public interest. Teenagers in the 21st century are starting to turn more towards The Daily Show to get their political insight. Accredit this to Jon Stewart’s sense of humor and teenager’s willingness to pay attention to something humorous.
His show is conducted in a loose, more open style opposed to the Q & A style that most major news stations use. I believe this style is more effective because many of the questions he asks allow us to catch a glimpse the person beyond their celebrity/politician façade.
It is because of his rising popularity and connection with the younger generation, that he not only has a right but a responsibility to critique the work of his fellow news anchors.
Yet, many news anchors disregard his criticism.
Why?
Well, a lot of Republicans and traditionalists see his show as a mockery of the news – nothing but a comedy show. These news purists use his constant political comedic references as a reason to disregard the show as a whole. They see more traditional shows like Hardball and Crossfire as the benchmarks for high-quality news reporting.
Critics see Jon Stewart as nothing but a comedian and consider his criticism useless and, for lack of a better word, laughable. However, like is the case for Roger Ebert, just because Jon Stewart is a comedian doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be taken seriously. It is silly to say a comedian has no say in anything outside his stand-up routine; no relevance to today’s politics. I think, a comedian is an ideal person to offer constructive criticism since they spend their whole careers appealing to people, spending years figuring out what works and what doesn’t. So when Jon Stewart criticizes his fellow colleagues they should not only listen, they should be taking notes.
As a matter of fact, Jon Stewart’s recent criticism of mainstream news media should not only be acknowledged, it should be applauded.
Turn the channel to one of the many news stations any day and you’ll probably hear stories of destruction, violence, crime and discouragement 85% of the time. Unfortunate, Yes. Surprising, No.
Luckily, Jon Stewart was born with the ability to make people laugh when a simple laugh is needed – especially when it’s involving day-to-day news. So is it right for other reporters to disregard his opinion just based on his comedic angle?
I say no.
Is it right for a news reporter/comedian like Jon Stewart to criticize others within his own profession?
I say it’s not only right, it’s necessary.
These days, more and more young people are turning to The Daily Show to get their daily dose of the news and are receiving more than just the facts and figures. In this case, the worst disservice Jon Stewart could do is keep his mouth shut.
And that would be no laughing matter.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
The 2008 Video Music Awards: Running Diary
8:59: And 3...2...1 – Ladies and gentleman welcome to the 2008 Video Music Awards!!!!
I'm your diary host, Brian W. and I'd like to welcome everyone to another MTV award show full of mayhem, excitement, humor, drama - oh, and some music too.
Anyways, seeing how this is such a big night for American pop culture I figured I might as well keep a running diary this so-called "award show."
So sit back, relax and enjoy the festivities!
9:00 p.m.: Britney Spears, (oh look, she’s grown her hair back) and Jonah Hill open the show with a Superbad-esque skit. Jonah Hill is living proof that physical appearance isn't everything in Hollywood. Andy Milonakis – Oops, I mean Jonah Hill – is actually a pretty funny guy. Damn, he's gotta be the luckiest 5 foot 6, 300 pound man in the world.
9:01: Am I missing something? There's a little graphic that says, “LIVE” in the upper right corner of the screen. It's tough to be convincing when it's dark outside my house (in Riverside) but it's light in Hollywood. Come on now MTV, what are you gonna tell me next? “The Hills,” and "The Real World" are “reality” shows? Oh.
As Britney emerges from backstage there's a quick shot to Busta Rhymes' neck and T-Pain. I don't think the person sitting behind T-Pain can see anything thanks in part to Teddy's newest trend - the Monopoly Man hat.
9:04: Rihanna kicks off the show performing "Disturbia," her crazy, yet sexy, ode to life on Mars. It looks like she's standing atop a two-story birthday cake. Damn, it's not my birthday.
9:07: Is Rihanna rocking a mullet?
Overall a very, very sexy performance, but I can't help but think Rihanna is trapped in one of Jigsaw's traps.
9:08: Ladies and Gentleman ... Russell Brand. Wait. Who?
(Editor's Note: Russell Brand is a very well-known comedian in England. You know, the foreign singer in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.)
Oh ok. Ladies and Gentleman ... The foreign singer from Forgetting Sarah Marshall!!!!
9:10: He just called Kanye West “Can-ye West.” Forgive him, he's British.
9:12: It was bound to happen – he just shouted out Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama. Unfortunately Barack couldn't be here tonight, on account of he's a Presidential nominee. Bill Clinton on the other hand is sitting right next to Monica - the singer, not Lewinsky.
It was bound to happen – he's taking shots at George Bu ... hahahahah he just called George Bush a cowboy! John Wayne and T.O. can't be too pleased.
9:13: It was bound to happen – he just called Sarah Palin, the Governor of Alaska and Republican Vice Presidential candidate, a VPILF – you know a Vice President you'd like to ... uh, you know the rest.
Right now the score is: Democrats: 1, Republicans: -2.
“That's gotta be the best safe sex message – Use a condom or become republican.” Republicans: -3.
Obviously referring to the controversy surrounding Sarah Palin's pregnant, unmarried daughter and the father of her unborn child (wait, is the new Real World season gonna be located in Alaska?), Russell Brand states, “That boy is never gonna have sex again ... He's gonna start masturbating while wearing a condom.” I'm dying inside, but I'm watching this with my mom and sister, so no laughing out loud for me.
Continuing on his sex rampage – he just called the Jonas Brothers virgins. Ouch. The truth hurts.
Reminiscing about the Madonna era, “Like a virgin Jonas Brothers, not actually a virgin Jonas Brothers.” Jonas Brothers: -2.
Yet another blow to the Republican Party and the Jonas Brothers, Brand says that he can’t believe America has put up with eight years of Bush (Republicans: -4). Then he goes on to say, eight years of bush is what the Jonas Brothers are gonna have to cram into their bachelor party - priceless (Jonas Brothers: -3).
Nick, Joe and Kevin must feel like they're in high school. I mean Russell Brand is making them his personal punching band. Well at least the VMA's aren’t that big of a deal. Keep ya heads up boys! Nobody’s watching!
9:15: Jamie Foxx comes out to present the Best Female Video award. YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA. I'm from Riverside Jamie! Thanks for asking!!!! Coincidentally, after saying, “give it up for the ladies,” the camera man directed the camera in the direction of Zac Efron. I think they thought Zac was Ellen DeGeneres.
9:16: Britney Spears has a video?!?!?!?! And not one of her dropping, dangling, or punting her child? I thought she called it quits after "Oops…I Did It Again." No?
And the winner is … Britney Spears, "Piece of Me." This is a monumental event ladies and gentleman, Britney Spears has just been awarded her first ever Moonman! Ah, all is right in the world!
After giving her acceptance speech, my mom blurts, “She should've said ‘and I’m not crazy anymore!’” Touché.
To close her acceptance speech, Brit shouts out God – how original.
9:20: Damn. And I thought I was gonna get through the whole day without seeing Mr. Flesh Colored Beard and Hei… yaaaaaaawn. I wonder how many takes they had to do before Spencer got his one line right. Six? Seven?
First commercial 9:21.
The first segment of the show in my opinion was a success. I was wondering whether Russell Brand would be as funny as advertised (i.e. Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the VMA promos). He was. Well, I mean when you can have a target like the Jonas Brothers and George Bush, you don’t exactly have to be Richard Prior.
On the other side, my dad didn't think Mr. Brand was so humorous – he's a republican.
The most uncomfortable moment? The whole masturbation/sex skit. Why? Well, watch Superbad with your mom and sister and see how many times you laugh.
9:26: Demi Moore (man, how old is she again?) comes out to present Best Male Video. Uh oh, Demi can’t seem to find a mic. Someone? Anyone?
(Side note 1#: I can't help but believe that this whole marriage with Kelso is just one big Punk'd episode. I mean who’s ex husband is cool with his ex wife’s new husband? Did that make sense? Because it doesn’t to me.)
If Flo Rida wins this award, hip-hop is in some deep shit. I call Lil Wayne “Lollipop.”
And the winner is … Chris Brown, "With You."
Another shout-out to God. Democrats: 1, Republicans: -4, Jonas Brothers: -2,780, God: 2.
9:30: Russell Brand takes yet another shot at the Jonas Brothers, this time saying, “It'll b a little while till Taylor Swift gets them off.” Hahahahahaha. Wait. Who's Taylor Swift? He means Hannah Montana right?
9:31: After being beaten up by Russell Brand, the Jonas Brothers make their VMA debut!!!!! … Ya they're virgins.
I can't help but see the Jonas Brothers as the brunette version of Hansen. Right? Mmm Bop anyone?
Wow, I haven’t seen pre-pubescent kids kickin’ it on a stoop since Hey Arnold. I think Lil Wayne went to the bathroom. Not far behind: T.I., LL Cool J, Chris Brown, Busta Rhymes and every other person over 13. Sorry Jonas Brothers maybe 2013.
Oh look, everyone from Nickelodeon just rushed the stage, Miley Cirus and Jamie-Lynn Spears have gotta be in there somewhere.
9:34: (Side note #2: Katy Perry is foine.)
9:35: A commercial for the MTV show Exiled. If you haven't seen or heard of this show, here's a brief synopsis. Spoiled 'My Super Sweet Sixteen' veterans are sent, by their parents, to foreign countries to learn the definition of hard work – obviously because every parent sends their spoiled kids to Africa and/or Kenya to learn good American values. Needless to say, these parents aren't good parents, because if they were, they wouldn’t have spoiled them with lavish 16-year-old parties or sent them to Guam to learn what they should’ve been teaching them since birth. However, the concept behind a show teaching parents how to parent wasn’t sexy enough for MTV. Exiled everyone.
9:40: {Cue up the Ron Burgundy voice} Attention everyone ... I have a very urgent announcement. In case you haven't heard already, Katy Perry kissed a girl.......and she LIKED IT!!!!
Following a sexy performance by Katy Perry on the go-to-commercial stage, Russell Brand makes a fitting blow j joke related to cherry chap stick ... priceless.
9:41: Mr. Eight Gold Medals fittingly introduces Mr. One Million Records Sold in One Week.
(Side note #3: Just in case you didn’t know, Michael Phelps listens to Lil Wayne before every swimming event, the reason for the set-up).
The beautiful Leona Lewis starting off Dontgetit - off Tha Carter III. (I am singing along just to let you know.)
A shirtless Lil Wayne graces the stage in front of a full orchestra.
(Lil Wayne is the king of puns and wordplay. For example, rapping about a drop-top convertible he says, top slipped off like Janet at the Super Bowl. See what I mean? )
A milli. A milli. A milli. A milli. A milli. A milli.
9:44: A text from my girlfriend Khassaundra: lil wayne keeps grabbing his crotch lol Come to think of it – he is.
After a verse from A Milli, Barnum Bailey comes out to join Lil Wayne.
Both T-Pain and Lil Wayne make their way out to the crowd. The only recognizable face I see is Jonah Hill and he looks scared as hell. I think he's looking for McLovin right about now.
As Lil Wayne makes his way back to the stage my mom says, “His pants are gonna fall off.”
Russell Brand must have been thinking the same thing. “He's losing his trousers,” he says.
9:46: Lindsey Lohan and Ciara to announce the winner of the America's Best Dance Crew runner-up showdown: Kaba Modern (Season 1: Third Place) and Fanny Pak (Season 2: Third Place). Slater is nowhere to be found.
(Side note #4: MTV is really milking this America's Best Dance Crew and I don't blame them. Without AMDC, we’re going to see a lot of Spencer, Heidi, LC and Audrina in their near future. Yeah, I didn't make it past 0:20 of that clip either.)
And the winner is … Fanny Pak! As they joyously run down the stairs, you hear everyone in the building ask, “Who are these guys?” You can tell Lindsey Lohan doesn't want to be around these people.
After the nominees for Best Dancing in a Video are announced Fanny Pak is gone! Lindsey must have gotten Herbie to run them over.
9:50: And the winner is ... The Pussycat Dolls (aka Nicole Scherzinger and friends), “When I Grow Up.” Apparently, instead of drinking water before the show, Nicole drank helium.
Another shout-out to God. Democrats: 1, Republicans: -4, Jonas Brothers: -3,950 and God: 3.
It appears that Doll Domination is dropping September 23rd. And I’m not marking it on my calendar riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight aaabout now!
9:56: Pete Wentz is now interviewing Diddy-ity Kane. Dawn from Danity Kane calls Tokio Hotel sexy. Okay, first, I don’t even know who Tokio Hotel is, and two I strongly believe Diddy wrote all their lines. Welcome to Bad Boy, girls.
“Lil Wayne has made me feel a lot more comfortable with masturbation ... I think I should go to the bathroom for the next 30 minutes.” Again, inside I’m dying, but outside I’m chiseled out of stone.
9:58: Russell Brand just introduces a bunch of no-names. Apparently they're from the twilight zone or something. Ouch, guy #1 hasn’t hit puberty. Anyway, they introduce Paramore.
My sister: “Who?”
Me: "Who?"
Oh, I recognize their song now, well Paramore, Milli Vanilli, Rico Suave, LFO, Len and the Baha Men all welcome you to the One Hit Wonder club. Sorry Soulja Boy you're just gonna have to wait your turn.
(Side note #5: I haven't seen anyone appear so comfortable in yellow pants and red hair since Ronald McDonald. Congrats Paramore front lady!)
10:03: Some people go to school to find friends. Some people turn to eHarmony. Some people go to clubs. Paris Hilton on the other hand, finds her best friends on an MTV show. Not again! Didn't she seen what happened to Tila Tequila?
10:07: Another shot at the Jonas Brothers. I sure hope their parents aren’t recording. Democrats: 1, Republicans: -4, God: 3 and the Jonas Brothers: -10,000. (Now I know you’re asking, Brian, why is the Jonas Brothers' total going up and up each time? Well, I’m adding in every joke being said behind their back. Oops, 10,001)
10:08: Slash and Shia Labeouf are presenting the Best Rock Video. Wow, I haven’t seen Slash since the final level in Guitar Hero 2!
Apparently Mr. Ashley Simpson did a remix of Michael Jackson’s classic, "Beat It." I thought he only had the "Arms Race" Remix featuring Kanye West.
And the winner is ... Linkin Park, “Shadow of the Day.”
10:10: Ouch and a close up of fresh loser, Pete Wentz and seasoned loser Ashley Simpson. Who wants to place a bet that their baby comes out bigger than Pete? I'll give you 5 to 1.
10:11: Hannah Montana is playing Rock Band 3, the Billy Ray Cirus edition.
10:12: Pink. I haven't seen Pink since uh, damn it's been a long time. She’s making her long-awaited comeback by performing on the Paramount back lot? Come to think of it, the stage is set-up like a modern rendition of Westside Story, only no Mexicans. And no story.
(Side note #6: Doesn’t Pink look like a white Rihanna or vice versa?)
10:14: Pink bends down and ooooooo she didn’t use the Jennifer Lopez endorsed double sided tape. Those pictures are gonna be all over the internet tomorrow, mark my word. Wait, never mind, Pink decided to go with the more subtle duct tape, carefully placed over the nipple. Never would’ve thought about that. But I’m glad Pink did. Come to think of it, Pink is pretty hot – in an I’ll-kick-your-ass kind of way.
10:16: The promos keep saying that the characters on The Hills are our friends. I don't think LC has any friends. Wait! LC and Paris Hilton need to hook up somewhere.
10:20: Damn it. I gotta hear that damn Ting Tings song again. Hov.
10:21: Attention Pete Wentz, the F’N MTV stage is across the street. Hehehehehehe. His giggling is making me giggle. Hehehehehehe.
10:22: Another stab at the republican party. Republicans: -5.
Uh, and to announce the Best Hip Hop Video Award, Slipkn … MCLOVIN!!!!!!! It's only fitting that Slipknot announces this award because … give me a minute ...
10:24: All these artists, minus Flo Rida, deserve this award. And the winner is … Lil Wayne for "Lollipop"! He has three ‘Thank You’s. God, family, and ya'll. You're welcome Lil Wayne!
Democrats: 1, Republicans: -5, Jonas Brothers: 120,890, God: 4 and Brian: 1.
10:26: John Legend and Jordin Sparks come on to introduced T.I. Jordin Sparks just defended the Jonas Brothers' virginity. Wow, Jordin Sparks and The Jonas Brothers! Those four together are gonna make a great abstinence campaign on Noggin. The recently released T.I., is performing his smash single, “Whatever You Like.”
Wait. Who is that girl in the pink?!?!?!?!?!?! In the words of Ice Cube and Chris Tucker, “DAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!” This girl in the pink is giving Kobe’s wife a run for the "Good God" award.
Did I mention pink is my new favorite color?
yhfhhdfsuyeufhdfbdhbdjhfhufdfbdfhd.
(Ed. Note: Sorry. Brian's tongue fell out of his mouth and landed on the keyboard.)
Huh? What? Am I dreaming?
(Ed. Note: Back to the article.)
10:29: Out pops Rihanna. Chris Brown is a lucky lucky man.
10:30: A quick shot of the Jonas Brothers. Unfortunately, they don't know how to dance to hip hop. Taylor Swift, God bless her heart, is trying.
10:31: So they follow up T.I.'s performance with an announcement that the cast of High School Musical is coming up in 5 minutes. I'll be back in 10.
10:37: And the cast of high school ... yaaaaaawn.
10:38: Christina Aguilera. She's performing in front of a big screen rolling through all her good videos. I mean, all her okay videos. Ok ok they're just going through all her videos.
Give it up for Christina Aguilera playing the roll of Catwoman! Halle Berry must be relieved someone is taking the bomb known as Catwoman off her hands. During this "Genie in a Bottle" remix, I've come to the conclusion she's Ashley Simpson-ing it. She's claiming she's a super bitch. Her magical powers? She can fire a make-up specialist with the wave of her hand.
10:43: Russell Brand apologizes to the Jonas Brothers saying he never meant to piss them off. In actuality he meant the opposite. Well, not that he wanted to piss on them or anything. Ladies and gentleman, R. Kelly!
Lauren Conrad and Chase Crawford come out to introduce Best New Artist and the winner is … Tokio Hotel. Hold on, Soulja Boy you’ll get into the club eventually.
10:46: Another Paris Hilton commercial. God I hope this show fails miserably.
10:49: Ladies Love Cool James. He's trying to top Macy Gray's outfit in 2001 as the absolute worst product placement in VMA history. Even though the leprechaun green shirt makes a strong case for Uncle L, I gotta go with Macy Gray on this one.
10:52: Paris Hilton walks on stage.
(Side note #7: One time I want someone to hide Paris’ cue cards. Just once! Is anyone with me?)
Anyway, Paris announces Best Pop Video. And the winner is ... Britney Spears, “Piece Of Me!” Uh oh Paris Hilton and Britney Spears together again, hopefully Brit is wearing panties this time.
Yet another shout-out to the Almighty Father. God: 5
10:53: How did Lupe fiasco get stuck on the go-to-commercial stage?
10:57: Okay I’ve seen this damn Christina Aguilera Insight perfume commercial almost as many times as the Jonas Brothers have been made fun of tonight ... Okay it’s over, at least I can go another 15 minutes without seeing it ... damn it.
10:59: Josh Beck and Drake Bell come out next. I thought all the High School Musical people were introduced already. Kid Rock comes out performing his summer hit, “All Summer long." As publicized, out pops Lil Wayne in a Kanye West inspired ensemble and a Charlie Chaplin inspired derby. I gotta Limewire, oops I mean, iTunes this remix.
11:10: Mr. Gold Medalist/2008 NBA MVP Kobe Bryant walks out on stage. Watch out Kobe, Britney’s watching! Here it is, the biggest award of the night, the Video of the Year. Where’s "Lollipop"? And the winner is ... Britney Spears, “Piece of Me.” Now that's the third of the night for Brit. Me personally, I'm just glad Kobe isn't in Colorado.
11:13: And to close out the show, Mr. Can-ye West! Performing his new song, “Love Lockdown.”
11:14: Reminscent to his Glow in the Dark tour set-up, a solo Kanye graces the stage rocking a beige suit and a beating red heart pinned to his chest. Behind him, a beautiful glimpse of life in Arizona - desert.
11:15: This is a pretty catchy song. I'm gonna have to Limewi - I mean, iTunes it tomorrow.
11:17: And that's all folks! Thanks for watching the VMAs! See you next year!
And thank you for following my diary, friends. Now if you'll excuse me I need to google the girl in the T.I. performance ...
I'm your diary host, Brian W. and I'd like to welcome everyone to another MTV award show full of mayhem, excitement, humor, drama - oh, and some music too.
Anyways, seeing how this is such a big night for American pop culture I figured I might as well keep a running diary this so-called "award show."
So sit back, relax and enjoy the festivities!
9:00 p.m.: Britney Spears, (oh look, she’s grown her hair back) and Jonah Hill open the show with a Superbad-esque skit. Jonah Hill is living proof that physical appearance isn't everything in Hollywood. Andy Milonakis – Oops, I mean Jonah Hill – is actually a pretty funny guy. Damn, he's gotta be the luckiest 5 foot 6, 300 pound man in the world.
9:01: Am I missing something? There's a little graphic that says, “LIVE” in the upper right corner of the screen. It's tough to be convincing when it's dark outside my house (in Riverside) but it's light in Hollywood. Come on now MTV, what are you gonna tell me next? “The Hills,” and "The Real World" are “reality” shows? Oh.
As Britney emerges from backstage there's a quick shot to Busta Rhymes' neck and T-Pain. I don't think the person sitting behind T-Pain can see anything thanks in part to Teddy's newest trend - the Monopoly Man hat.
9:04: Rihanna kicks off the show performing "Disturbia," her crazy, yet sexy, ode to life on Mars. It looks like she's standing atop a two-story birthday cake. Damn, it's not my birthday.
9:07: Is Rihanna rocking a mullet?
Overall a very, very sexy performance, but I can't help but think Rihanna is trapped in one of Jigsaw's traps.
9:08: Ladies and Gentleman ... Russell Brand. Wait. Who?
(Editor's Note: Russell Brand is a very well-known comedian in England. You know, the foreign singer in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.)
Oh ok. Ladies and Gentleman ... The foreign singer from Forgetting Sarah Marshall!!!!
9:10: He just called Kanye West “Can-ye West.” Forgive him, he's British.
9:12: It was bound to happen – he just shouted out Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama. Unfortunately Barack couldn't be here tonight, on account of he's a Presidential nominee. Bill Clinton on the other hand is sitting right next to Monica - the singer, not Lewinsky.
It was bound to happen – he's taking shots at George Bu ... hahahahah he just called George Bush a cowboy! John Wayne and T.O. can't be too pleased.
9:13: It was bound to happen – he just called Sarah Palin, the Governor of Alaska and Republican Vice Presidential candidate, a VPILF – you know a Vice President you'd like to ... uh, you know the rest.
Right now the score is: Democrats: 1, Republicans: -2.
“That's gotta be the best safe sex message – Use a condom or become republican.” Republicans: -3.
Obviously referring to the controversy surrounding Sarah Palin's pregnant, unmarried daughter and the father of her unborn child (wait, is the new Real World season gonna be located in Alaska?), Russell Brand states, “That boy is never gonna have sex again ... He's gonna start masturbating while wearing a condom.” I'm dying inside, but I'm watching this with my mom and sister, so no laughing out loud for me.
Continuing on his sex rampage – he just called the Jonas Brothers virgins. Ouch. The truth hurts.
Reminiscing about the Madonna era, “Like a virgin Jonas Brothers, not actually a virgin Jonas Brothers.” Jonas Brothers: -2.
Yet another blow to the Republican Party and the Jonas Brothers, Brand says that he can’t believe America has put up with eight years of Bush (Republicans: -4). Then he goes on to say, eight years of bush is what the Jonas Brothers are gonna have to cram into their bachelor party - priceless (Jonas Brothers: -3).
Nick, Joe and Kevin must feel like they're in high school. I mean Russell Brand is making them his personal punching band. Well at least the VMA's aren’t that big of a deal. Keep ya heads up boys! Nobody’s watching!
9:15: Jamie Foxx comes out to present the Best Female Video award. YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA. I'm from Riverside Jamie! Thanks for asking!!!! Coincidentally, after saying, “give it up for the ladies,” the camera man directed the camera in the direction of Zac Efron. I think they thought Zac was Ellen DeGeneres.
9:16: Britney Spears has a video?!?!?!?! And not one of her dropping, dangling, or punting her child? I thought she called it quits after "Oops…I Did It Again." No?
And the winner is … Britney Spears, "Piece of Me." This is a monumental event ladies and gentleman, Britney Spears has just been awarded her first ever Moonman! Ah, all is right in the world!
After giving her acceptance speech, my mom blurts, “She should've said ‘and I’m not crazy anymore!’” Touché.
To close her acceptance speech, Brit shouts out God – how original.
9:20: Damn. And I thought I was gonna get through the whole day without seeing Mr. Flesh Colored Beard and Hei… yaaaaaaawn. I wonder how many takes they had to do before Spencer got his one line right. Six? Seven?
First commercial 9:21.
The first segment of the show in my opinion was a success. I was wondering whether Russell Brand would be as funny as advertised (i.e. Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the VMA promos). He was. Well, I mean when you can have a target like the Jonas Brothers and George Bush, you don’t exactly have to be Richard Prior.
On the other side, my dad didn't think Mr. Brand was so humorous – he's a republican.
The most uncomfortable moment? The whole masturbation/sex skit. Why? Well, watch Superbad with your mom and sister and see how many times you laugh.
9:26: Demi Moore (man, how old is she again?) comes out to present Best Male Video. Uh oh, Demi can’t seem to find a mic. Someone? Anyone?
(Side note 1#: I can't help but believe that this whole marriage with Kelso is just one big Punk'd episode. I mean who’s ex husband is cool with his ex wife’s new husband? Did that make sense? Because it doesn’t to me.)
If Flo Rida wins this award, hip-hop is in some deep shit. I call Lil Wayne “Lollipop.”
And the winner is … Chris Brown, "With You."
Another shout-out to God. Democrats: 1, Republicans: -4, Jonas Brothers: -2,780, God: 2.
9:30: Russell Brand takes yet another shot at the Jonas Brothers, this time saying, “It'll b a little while till Taylor Swift gets them off.” Hahahahahaha. Wait. Who's Taylor Swift? He means Hannah Montana right?
9:31: After being beaten up by Russell Brand, the Jonas Brothers make their VMA debut!!!!! … Ya they're virgins.
I can't help but see the Jonas Brothers as the brunette version of Hansen. Right? Mmm Bop anyone?
Wow, I haven’t seen pre-pubescent kids kickin’ it on a stoop since Hey Arnold. I think Lil Wayne went to the bathroom. Not far behind: T.I., LL Cool J, Chris Brown, Busta Rhymes and every other person over 13. Sorry Jonas Brothers maybe 2013.
Oh look, everyone from Nickelodeon just rushed the stage, Miley Cirus and Jamie-Lynn Spears have gotta be in there somewhere.
9:34: (Side note #2: Katy Perry is foine.)
9:35: A commercial for the MTV show Exiled. If you haven't seen or heard of this show, here's a brief synopsis. Spoiled 'My Super Sweet Sixteen' veterans are sent, by their parents, to foreign countries to learn the definition of hard work – obviously because every parent sends their spoiled kids to Africa and/or Kenya to learn good American values. Needless to say, these parents aren't good parents, because if they were, they wouldn’t have spoiled them with lavish 16-year-old parties or sent them to Guam to learn what they should’ve been teaching them since birth. However, the concept behind a show teaching parents how to parent wasn’t sexy enough for MTV. Exiled everyone.
9:40: {Cue up the Ron Burgundy voice} Attention everyone ... I have a very urgent announcement. In case you haven't heard already, Katy Perry kissed a girl.......and she LIKED IT!!!!
Following a sexy performance by Katy Perry on the go-to-commercial stage, Russell Brand makes a fitting blow j joke related to cherry chap stick ... priceless.
9:41: Mr. Eight Gold Medals fittingly introduces Mr. One Million Records Sold in One Week.
(Side note #3: Just in case you didn’t know, Michael Phelps listens to Lil Wayne before every swimming event, the reason for the set-up).
The beautiful Leona Lewis starting off Dontgetit - off Tha Carter III. (I am singing along just to let you know.)
A shirtless Lil Wayne graces the stage in front of a full orchestra.
(Lil Wayne is the king of puns and wordplay. For example, rapping about a drop-top convertible he says, top slipped off like Janet at the Super Bowl. See what I mean? )
A milli. A milli. A milli. A milli. A milli. A milli.
9:44: A text from my girlfriend Khassaundra: lil wayne keeps grabbing his crotch lol Come to think of it – he is.
After a verse from A Milli, Barnum Bailey comes out to join Lil Wayne.
Both T-Pain and Lil Wayne make their way out to the crowd. The only recognizable face I see is Jonah Hill and he looks scared as hell. I think he's looking for McLovin right about now.
As Lil Wayne makes his way back to the stage my mom says, “His pants are gonna fall off.”
Russell Brand must have been thinking the same thing. “He's losing his trousers,” he says.
9:46: Lindsey Lohan and Ciara to announce the winner of the America's Best Dance Crew runner-up showdown: Kaba Modern (Season 1: Third Place) and Fanny Pak (Season 2: Third Place). Slater is nowhere to be found.
(Side note #4: MTV is really milking this America's Best Dance Crew and I don't blame them. Without AMDC, we’re going to see a lot of Spencer, Heidi, LC and Audrina in their near future. Yeah, I didn't make it past 0:20 of that clip either.)
And the winner is … Fanny Pak! As they joyously run down the stairs, you hear everyone in the building ask, “Who are these guys?” You can tell Lindsey Lohan doesn't want to be around these people.
After the nominees for Best Dancing in a Video are announced Fanny Pak is gone! Lindsey must have gotten Herbie to run them over.
9:50: And the winner is ... The Pussycat Dolls (aka Nicole Scherzinger and friends), “When I Grow Up.” Apparently, instead of drinking water before the show, Nicole drank helium.
Another shout-out to God. Democrats: 1, Republicans: -4, Jonas Brothers: -3,950 and God: 3.
It appears that Doll Domination is dropping September 23rd. And I’m not marking it on my calendar riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight aaabout now!
9:56: Pete Wentz is now interviewing Diddy-ity Kane. Dawn from Danity Kane calls Tokio Hotel sexy. Okay, first, I don’t even know who Tokio Hotel is, and two I strongly believe Diddy wrote all their lines. Welcome to Bad Boy, girls.
“Lil Wayne has made me feel a lot more comfortable with masturbation ... I think I should go to the bathroom for the next 30 minutes.” Again, inside I’m dying, but outside I’m chiseled out of stone.
9:58: Russell Brand just introduces a bunch of no-names. Apparently they're from the twilight zone or something. Ouch, guy #1 hasn’t hit puberty. Anyway, they introduce Paramore.
My sister: “Who?”
Me: "Who?"
Oh, I recognize their song now, well Paramore, Milli Vanilli, Rico Suave, LFO, Len and the Baha Men all welcome you to the One Hit Wonder club. Sorry Soulja Boy you're just gonna have to wait your turn.
(Side note #5: I haven't seen anyone appear so comfortable in yellow pants and red hair since Ronald McDonald. Congrats Paramore front lady!)
10:03: Some people go to school to find friends. Some people turn to eHarmony. Some people go to clubs. Paris Hilton on the other hand, finds her best friends on an MTV show. Not again! Didn't she seen what happened to Tila Tequila?
10:07: Another shot at the Jonas Brothers. I sure hope their parents aren’t recording. Democrats: 1, Republicans: -4, God: 3 and the Jonas Brothers: -10,000. (Now I know you’re asking, Brian, why is the Jonas Brothers' total going up and up each time? Well, I’m adding in every joke being said behind their back. Oops, 10,001)
10:08: Slash and Shia Labeouf are presenting the Best Rock Video. Wow, I haven’t seen Slash since the final level in Guitar Hero 2!
Apparently Mr. Ashley Simpson did a remix of Michael Jackson’s classic, "Beat It." I thought he only had the "Arms Race" Remix featuring Kanye West.
And the winner is ... Linkin Park, “Shadow of the Day.”
10:10: Ouch and a close up of fresh loser, Pete Wentz and seasoned loser Ashley Simpson. Who wants to place a bet that their baby comes out bigger than Pete? I'll give you 5 to 1.
10:11: Hannah Montana is playing Rock Band 3, the Billy Ray Cirus edition.
10:12: Pink. I haven't seen Pink since uh, damn it's been a long time. She’s making her long-awaited comeback by performing on the Paramount back lot? Come to think of it, the stage is set-up like a modern rendition of Westside Story, only no Mexicans. And no story.
(Side note #6: Doesn’t Pink look like a white Rihanna or vice versa?)
10:14: Pink bends down and ooooooo she didn’t use the Jennifer Lopez endorsed double sided tape. Those pictures are gonna be all over the internet tomorrow, mark my word. Wait, never mind, Pink decided to go with the more subtle duct tape, carefully placed over the nipple. Never would’ve thought about that. But I’m glad Pink did. Come to think of it, Pink is pretty hot – in an I’ll-kick-your-ass kind of way.
10:16: The promos keep saying that the characters on The Hills are our friends. I don't think LC has any friends. Wait! LC and Paris Hilton need to hook up somewhere.
10:20: Damn it. I gotta hear that damn Ting Tings song again. Hov.
10:21: Attention Pete Wentz, the F’N MTV stage is across the street. Hehehehehehe. His giggling is making me giggle. Hehehehehehe.
10:22: Another stab at the republican party. Republicans: -5.
Uh, and to announce the Best Hip Hop Video Award, Slipkn … MCLOVIN!!!!!!! It's only fitting that Slipknot announces this award because … give me a minute ...
10:24: All these artists, minus Flo Rida, deserve this award. And the winner is … Lil Wayne for "Lollipop"! He has three ‘Thank You’s. God, family, and ya'll. You're welcome Lil Wayne!
Democrats: 1, Republicans: -5, Jonas Brothers: 120,890, God: 4 and Brian: 1.
10:26: John Legend and Jordin Sparks come on to introduced T.I. Jordin Sparks just defended the Jonas Brothers' virginity. Wow, Jordin Sparks and The Jonas Brothers! Those four together are gonna make a great abstinence campaign on Noggin. The recently released T.I., is performing his smash single, “Whatever You Like.”
Wait. Who is that girl in the pink?!?!?!?!?!?! In the words of Ice Cube and Chris Tucker, “DAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!” This girl in the pink is giving Kobe’s wife a run for the "Good God" award.
Did I mention pink is my new favorite color?
yhfhhdfsuyeufhdfbdhbdjhfhufdfbdfhd.
(Ed. Note: Sorry. Brian's tongue fell out of his mouth and landed on the keyboard.)
Huh? What? Am I dreaming?
(Ed. Note: Back to the article.)
10:29: Out pops Rihanna. Chris Brown is a lucky lucky man.
10:30: A quick shot of the Jonas Brothers. Unfortunately, they don't know how to dance to hip hop. Taylor Swift, God bless her heart, is trying.
10:31: So they follow up T.I.'s performance with an announcement that the cast of High School Musical is coming up in 5 minutes. I'll be back in 10.
10:37: And the cast of high school ... yaaaaaawn.
10:38: Christina Aguilera. She's performing in front of a big screen rolling through all her good videos. I mean, all her okay videos. Ok ok they're just going through all her videos.
Give it up for Christina Aguilera playing the roll of Catwoman! Halle Berry must be relieved someone is taking the bomb known as Catwoman off her hands. During this "Genie in a Bottle" remix, I've come to the conclusion she's Ashley Simpson-ing it. She's claiming she's a super bitch. Her magical powers? She can fire a make-up specialist with the wave of her hand.
10:43: Russell Brand apologizes to the Jonas Brothers saying he never meant to piss them off. In actuality he meant the opposite. Well, not that he wanted to piss on them or anything. Ladies and gentleman, R. Kelly!
Lauren Conrad and Chase Crawford come out to introduce Best New Artist and the winner is … Tokio Hotel. Hold on, Soulja Boy you’ll get into the club eventually.
10:46: Another Paris Hilton commercial. God I hope this show fails miserably.
10:49: Ladies Love Cool James. He's trying to top Macy Gray's outfit in 2001 as the absolute worst product placement in VMA history. Even though the leprechaun green shirt makes a strong case for Uncle L, I gotta go with Macy Gray on this one.
10:52: Paris Hilton walks on stage.
(Side note #7: One time I want someone to hide Paris’ cue cards. Just once! Is anyone with me?)
Anyway, Paris announces Best Pop Video. And the winner is ... Britney Spears, “Piece Of Me!” Uh oh Paris Hilton and Britney Spears together again, hopefully Brit is wearing panties this time.
Yet another shout-out to the Almighty Father. God: 5
10:53: How did Lupe fiasco get stuck on the go-to-commercial stage?
10:57: Okay I’ve seen this damn Christina Aguilera Insight perfume commercial almost as many times as the Jonas Brothers have been made fun of tonight ... Okay it’s over, at least I can go another 15 minutes without seeing it ... damn it.
10:59: Josh Beck and Drake Bell come out next. I thought all the High School Musical people were introduced already. Kid Rock comes out performing his summer hit, “All Summer long." As publicized, out pops Lil Wayne in a Kanye West inspired ensemble and a Charlie Chaplin inspired derby. I gotta Limewire, oops I mean, iTunes this remix.
11:10: Mr. Gold Medalist/2008 NBA MVP Kobe Bryant walks out on stage. Watch out Kobe, Britney’s watching! Here it is, the biggest award of the night, the Video of the Year. Where’s "Lollipop"? And the winner is ... Britney Spears, “Piece of Me.” Now that's the third of the night for Brit. Me personally, I'm just glad Kobe isn't in Colorado.
11:13: And to close out the show, Mr. Can-ye West! Performing his new song, “Love Lockdown.”
11:14: Reminscent to his Glow in the Dark tour set-up, a solo Kanye graces the stage rocking a beige suit and a beating red heart pinned to his chest. Behind him, a beautiful glimpse of life in Arizona - desert.
11:15: This is a pretty catchy song. I'm gonna have to Limewi - I mean, iTunes it tomorrow.
11:17: And that's all folks! Thanks for watching the VMAs! See you next year!
And thank you for following my diary, friends. Now if you'll excuse me I need to google the girl in the T.I. performance ...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
