"Business? It's quite simple. It's other people's money."
-Alexandre Dumas
I would never wish bodily harm on anyone - well, except maybe Mark - but when I traded Ryan Zimmerman, Manny Ramirez, Brad Hawpe, Jermaine Dye and others, I wanted to see each one of those guys shred every important muscle in their knee, Shaun Livingston-esque. When I dropped Jason Kubel, Adam Lind, Brian McCann and Miguel Tejada, something inside of me wished they'd get pulled over at 3 a.m. with two hookers, 5 kilos of coke (the drug Thomas, not the soda), and T.I. artillery in their Cadillac Escalade. Harsh, I know, but fantasy baseball does that to you.
It goes the same for every owner in every fantasy league known to man, when you trade/drop a player you intently wish to see their name scroll along the bottom of Sportscenter followed by an "out for the season," "is facing criminal gun charges" or "the dumbass shot himself" exclamation. That twisted feeling isn't generated because you have a personal grudge against them or anything, it's just fear of colliding with the worst feeling in fantasy sports. That fear? Watching a player who absolutely flatlined on your team resurrect his season on a different one.
Then again, there's no better feeling in fantasy baseball than trading away one of your best players only to find out the next day he was caught trying to get pregnant. It's glorious and mind-numbingly hilarious at the same time. It's like nailing a game-winning three pointer, hitting a walk-off homer, catching a game-winning touchdown and landing a crisp knife edge chop on your best friend, all rolled into one. If anything calls for a Tiger Fist Pump, it's that. Well, that and watching Mark self-destruct on the golf course.
But in the world of fantasy it's not all lollipops, gumdrops and rainbows. Sometimes players don't land on the DL or take maternity leaves. Oftentimes, like fine wine, players only get better with time. That's good and all, but unfortunately none of us are patient enough to sit through five consecutive 0-4 3K, "{insert player's name} you motherf*****!!!!!" games. Patience may be a virtue, but immediate productivity is an necessity.
Throughout the course of the season, we've all accepted our players for their strengths and weaknesses. By now, we've all come to realize that most players - with the exception of Albert and Hanley - are only good for two or three categories. For instance, if there was a Celebrity Women fantasy league with multiple categories including "most men dated" and "longest relationship," we all know Kate Hudson or Jennifer Aniston would help us excel in the "most men dated" category but kill us in the "longest relationship" one. It's just the way it is in fantasy sports. You just have to accept it.
With 50 or so games left in the major league baseball season I've released and traded my fair share of quality players. One thing is certain, no matter how healthy I look in the standings I will never lose the desire to see them all at one point or another limp around second or take a fastball off the chin.
It's nothing personal, it's just business.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
A Reverse Jinx For The Ages
Let me make this painstakingly clear: the Angels are NOT -- I repeat -- NOT going to win the World Series.
Oh sure we've scored about a billion runs since the All-Star Break but look at our favorable schedule: four against the A's and Royals, seven against the Twins, and three against the Indians. Come on, that schedule is softer than a freshly-drafted 7 foot European center. Benny Rodriguez' squad could've taken three of four from each of those teams. Just wait till we play the Yankees, Red Sox, and Tigers, you'll see. We simply don't belong. We're just not championship material.
I'll admit it, we're playing more than 50% of our games against inferior American League West teams who seem to switch managers every other year. When it comes to competition, this division is as competitive as a Clippers-Grizzlies game. The only time the Rangers were taken seriously was when Josh Hamilton was hitting moonshots at last year's Home Run Derby, the Mariners are well, the Mariners, and Billy Beane hosts an annual outdoor swap meet at every trade deadline. Needless to say, the Angels have it made. Winning this sorry division is cake. The reality is we wouldn't be the 3rd best team in the AL East.
Sure we have the second best record in the majors, but when it comes down to it we're not even the best team in Los Angeles. Just down the 5 Freeway the Dodgers are the talk of the town, and why not? They have Manny, Scully and Torre; we have Abreu, Hudler and Scioscia. Wouldn't you be talking about the Dodgers too? They're pining for their 7th World Series Championship, we're gunning for our 2nd (Keep in mind, they've been around since 1883 when there were less teams and no parity). Of course division titles don't mean squat so I'm not even going to mention that we're on our way to our 5th division title in six years. The fact of the matter is, the Dodgers don't even hang division title banners (For good reason, they've only won the awful NL West three times since 1988).
(To get back to the year 1883 for a second. The president? Chester A. Arthur. World War I hadn't begun yet. Football had just modified their scoring system: four points for a touchdown and five for a field goal. The radio hadn't even been invented yet. What am I getting at? Of course the Dodgers should have more World Series titles than the Angels, a team that was established in 1961. Stop hiding behind your titles Dodgers fans. Let Yankees fans be the face of ignorance. You haven't been good for a long time. It's ok, it happens. Nobody is taking away your seven titles anytime soon.)
In the end, we are to the Dodgers what the Clippers are to the Lakers. We play in the same city, share the same name, but when it comes to history the Angels can't hold a candle to the Boys in Blue. So let's just avoid entertaining the possibility of a Freeway Series. If it comes to that the Los Angeles Joe Torre's would humiliate of the Halos. Four games, tops. And that's only if the Angels don't throw in the white towel after three.
Then again who's even saying we're going to make it to the World Series? In recent years, we've shown an inability to get past the Red Sox come September, getting embarrassed then eliminated in 2004, 2007 and most recently in 2008. Who says this year is going to be any different? Not I.
Fact of the matter is, in 2008 we were the first team to reach 60 wins (on our way to a franchise record 100 wins). Unfortunately since 2003 only one "fastest to 60 win" team did not make the World Series that same year. Yep! You got it! That was us! Any idea how bad that graphic looks on ESPN? It's worse than Jennifer Aniston's dating record. Sure we weren't the first team to 60 wins this year (ironically, the Dodgers were) but we'll make the playoffs then quietly bow out in the American League Division Series to the Red Sox in four games. If we're lucky we'll get no-hit in one game and blown out in the deciding one. Any other way would just be unnatural.
But enough about our imminent demise in October, let's talk about this current run of luck we've stumbled upon. We've been on this run for about a month now. During that stretch we lost Torii Hunter, Vladimir Guerrero and Juan Rivera to injury. Gary Matthews Jr. and Reggie FREAKIN' Willits were their replacements. Our middle infielders were Erick Aybar and Maicer Izturis. Our catcher was Jeff Mathis. My beer league team's pitching tandem surrendered less runs than the Angels' promising young pitching staff. Last but not least, after losing Scot Shields to injury and Jose Arrendondo to Dallas McPhersonitis earlier this season, we haven't had a dependable reliever all year long. The only bright spot was the unveiling of the 2010 All-Star Game logo. Yet, we kept winning.
Now, we have Juan Rivera and his .531 slugging percentage back in the middle of our lineup (not to mention my fantasy team). Kendry Morales ($1.1 million salary in 2009) has evolved into a formidable and much much much much cheaper replacement for Mark Teixiera ($20.6 million). Erick Aybar is one of the best five shortstops in the American League and Chone Figgins a poor man's Rickey Henderson. Bobby Abreu is one of the top five players in all of baseball and Mike Scioscia is going to win the AL Manager of the Year award. All this and Torii Hunter is still sitting on the DL. Yeah our starting pitcher has been shakier than Jessica Simpson's mental state, but John Lackey has finally rounded back into shape after an injury-plagued first half of the season. Now, granted the Gosselin kids will have dependable mother and father figures before we have dependable relievers, all is looking good in Anaheim.
Don't worry, I'm not getting too excited for the 2009 playoffs. I mean let's say we don't collapse like the Mets have these last two years, we'd have rookies starting at first and catcher, a number one starter who's only playoff victory of note happened in 2002, question marks at our #2, 3, 4, and 5 pitchers, a DH who's running on fumes, a center fielder who's years of running into walls with reckless abandon are finally catching up to him, an infield who's average height is an outstanding GPA, and a closer who has an INFINITY earned run average over his last two apperances.
To make a long story short, we have no shot at winning the 2009-2010 World Series. We're playing in an inferior division and are currently breezing through Triple-A teams. Once we make it to the playoffs we're going to run into the big bad Red Sox, let them push us around as they always do and go into the off season wondering what happened to our 100-win team. And when all that happens I won't be the one to blame because I'd been saying it all along.
But if this reverse jinx doesn't work, I don't know what will.
Oh sure we've scored about a billion runs since the All-Star Break but look at our favorable schedule: four against the A's and Royals, seven against the Twins, and three against the Indians. Come on, that schedule is softer than a freshly-drafted 7 foot European center. Benny Rodriguez' squad could've taken three of four from each of those teams. Just wait till we play the Yankees, Red Sox, and Tigers, you'll see. We simply don't belong. We're just not championship material.
I'll admit it, we're playing more than 50% of our games against inferior American League West teams who seem to switch managers every other year. When it comes to competition, this division is as competitive as a Clippers-Grizzlies game. The only time the Rangers were taken seriously was when Josh Hamilton was hitting moonshots at last year's Home Run Derby, the Mariners are well, the Mariners, and Billy Beane hosts an annual outdoor swap meet at every trade deadline. Needless to say, the Angels have it made. Winning this sorry division is cake. The reality is we wouldn't be the 3rd best team in the AL East.
Sure we have the second best record in the majors, but when it comes down to it we're not even the best team in Los Angeles. Just down the 5 Freeway the Dodgers are the talk of the town, and why not? They have Manny, Scully and Torre; we have Abreu, Hudler and Scioscia. Wouldn't you be talking about the Dodgers too? They're pining for their 7th World Series Championship, we're gunning for our 2nd (Keep in mind, they've been around since 1883 when there were less teams and no parity). Of course division titles don't mean squat so I'm not even going to mention that we're on our way to our 5th division title in six years. The fact of the matter is, the Dodgers don't even hang division title banners (For good reason, they've only won the awful NL West three times since 1988).
(To get back to the year 1883 for a second. The president? Chester A. Arthur. World War I hadn't begun yet. Football had just modified their scoring system: four points for a touchdown and five for a field goal. The radio hadn't even been invented yet. What am I getting at? Of course the Dodgers should have more World Series titles than the Angels, a team that was established in 1961. Stop hiding behind your titles Dodgers fans. Let Yankees fans be the face of ignorance. You haven't been good for a long time. It's ok, it happens. Nobody is taking away your seven titles anytime soon.)
In the end, we are to the Dodgers what the Clippers are to the Lakers. We play in the same city, share the same name, but when it comes to history the Angels can't hold a candle to the Boys in Blue. So let's just avoid entertaining the possibility of a Freeway Series. If it comes to that the Los Angeles Joe Torre's would humiliate of the Halos. Four games, tops. And that's only if the Angels don't throw in the white towel after three.
Then again who's even saying we're going to make it to the World Series? In recent years, we've shown an inability to get past the Red Sox come September, getting embarrassed then eliminated in 2004, 2007 and most recently in 2008. Who says this year is going to be any different? Not I.
Fact of the matter is, in 2008 we were the first team to reach 60 wins (on our way to a franchise record 100 wins). Unfortunately since 2003 only one "fastest to 60 win" team did not make the World Series that same year. Yep! You got it! That was us! Any idea how bad that graphic looks on ESPN? It's worse than Jennifer Aniston's dating record. Sure we weren't the first team to 60 wins this year (ironically, the Dodgers were) but we'll make the playoffs then quietly bow out in the American League Division Series to the Red Sox in four games. If we're lucky we'll get no-hit in one game and blown out in the deciding one. Any other way would just be unnatural.
But enough about our imminent demise in October, let's talk about this current run of luck we've stumbled upon. We've been on this run for about a month now. During that stretch we lost Torii Hunter, Vladimir Guerrero and Juan Rivera to injury. Gary Matthews Jr. and Reggie FREAKIN' Willits were their replacements. Our middle infielders were Erick Aybar and Maicer Izturis. Our catcher was Jeff Mathis. My beer league team's pitching tandem surrendered less runs than the Angels' promising young pitching staff. Last but not least, after losing Scot Shields to injury and Jose Arrendondo to Dallas McPhersonitis earlier this season, we haven't had a dependable reliever all year long. The only bright spot was the unveiling of the 2010 All-Star Game logo. Yet, we kept winning.
Now, we have Juan Rivera and his .531 slugging percentage back in the middle of our lineup (not to mention my fantasy team). Kendry Morales ($1.1 million salary in 2009) has evolved into a formidable and much much much much cheaper replacement for Mark Teixiera ($20.6 million). Erick Aybar is one of the best five shortstops in the American League and Chone Figgins a poor man's Rickey Henderson. Bobby Abreu is one of the top five players in all of baseball and Mike Scioscia is going to win the AL Manager of the Year award. All this and Torii Hunter is still sitting on the DL. Yeah our starting pitcher has been shakier than Jessica Simpson's mental state, but John Lackey has finally rounded back into shape after an injury-plagued first half of the season. Now, granted the Gosselin kids will have dependable mother and father figures before we have dependable relievers, all is looking good in Anaheim.
Don't worry, I'm not getting too excited for the 2009 playoffs. I mean let's say we don't collapse like the Mets have these last two years, we'd have rookies starting at first and catcher, a number one starter who's only playoff victory of note happened in 2002, question marks at our #2, 3, 4, and 5 pitchers, a DH who's running on fumes, a center fielder who's years of running into walls with reckless abandon are finally catching up to him, an infield who's average height is an outstanding GPA, and a closer who has an INFINITY earned run average over his last two apperances.
To make a long story short, we have no shot at winning the 2009-2010 World Series. We're playing in an inferior division and are currently breezing through Triple-A teams. Once we make it to the playoffs we're going to run into the big bad Red Sox, let them push us around as they always do and go into the off season wondering what happened to our 100-win team. And when all that happens I won't be the one to blame because I'd been saying it all along.
But if this reverse jinx doesn't work, I don't know what will.
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