The Nature of the Game

"Business? It's quite simple. It's other people's money."
-Alexandre Dumas


I would never wish bodily harm on anyone - well, except maybe Mark - but when I traded Ryan Zimmerman, Manny Ramirez, Brad Hawpe, Jermaine Dye and others, I wanted to see each one of those guys shred every important muscle in their knee, Shaun Livingston-esque. When I dropped Jason Kubel, Adam Lind, Brian McCann and Miguel Tejada, something inside of me wished they'd get pulled over at 3 a.m. with two hookers, 5 kilos of coke (the drug Thomas, not the soda), and T.I. artillery in their Cadillac Escalade. Harsh, I know, but fantasy baseball does that to you.

It goes the same for every owner in every fantasy league known to man, when you trade/drop a player you intently wish to see their name scroll along the bottom of Sportscenter followed by an "out for the season," "is facing criminal gun charges" or "the dumbass shot himself" exclamation. That twisted feeling isn't generated because you have a personal grudge against them or anything, it's just fear of colliding with the worst feeling in fantasy sports. That fear? Watching a player who absolutely flatlined on your team resurrect his season on a different one.

Then again, there's no better feeling in fantasy baseball than trading away one of your best players only to find out the next day he was caught trying to get pregnant. It's glorious and mind-numbingly hilarious at the same time. It's like nailing a game-winning three pointer, hitting a walk-off homer, catching a game-winning touchdown and landing a crisp knife edge chop on your best friend, all rolled into one. If anything calls for a Tiger Fist Pump, it's that. Well, that and watching Mark self-destruct on the golf course.

But in the world of fantasy it's not all lollipops, gumdrops and rainbows. Sometimes players don't land on the DL or take maternity leaves. Oftentimes, like fine wine, players only get better with time. That's good and all, but unfortunately none of us are patient enough to sit through five consecutive 0-4 3K, "{insert player's name} you motherf*****!!!!!" games. Patience may be a virtue, but immediate productivity is an necessity.

Throughout the course of the season, we've all accepted our players for their strengths and weaknesses. By now, we've all come to realize that most players - with the exception of Albert and Hanley - are only good for two or three categories. For instance, if there was a Celebrity Women fantasy league with multiple categories including "most men dated" and "longest relationship," we all know Kate Hudson or Jennifer Aniston would help us excel in the "most men dated" category but kill us in the "longest relationship" one. It's just the way it is in fantasy sports. You just have to accept it.

With 50 or so games left in the major league baseball season I've released and traded my fair share of quality players. One thing is certain, no matter how healthy I look in the standings I will never lose the desire to see them all at one point or another limp around second or take a fastball off the chin.

It's nothing personal, it's just business.