The 2008 Video Music Awards: Running Diary

8:59: And 3...2...1 – Ladies and gentleman welcome to the 2008 Video Music Awards!!!!

I'm your diary host, Brian W. and I'd like to welcome everyone to another MTV award show full of mayhem, excitement, humor, drama - oh, and some music too.

Anyways, seeing how this is such a big night for American pop culture I figured I might as well keep a running diary this so-called "award show."

So sit back, relax and enjoy the festivities!

9:00 p.m.: Britney Spears, (oh look, she’s grown her hair back) and Jonah Hill open the show with a Superbad-esque skit. Jonah Hill is living proof that physical appearance isn't everything in Hollywood. Andy Milonakis – Oops, I mean Jonah Hill – is actually a pretty funny guy. Damn, he's gotta be the luckiest 5 foot 6, 300 pound man in the world.

9:01: Am I missing something? There's a little graphic that says, “LIVE” in the upper right corner of the screen. It's tough to be convincing when it's dark outside my house (in Riverside) but it's light in Hollywood. Come on now MTV, what are you gonna tell me next? “The Hills,” and "The Real World" are “reality” shows? Oh.

As Britney emerges from backstage there's a quick shot to Busta Rhymes' neck and T-Pain. I don't think the person sitting behind T-Pain can see anything thanks in part to Teddy's newest trend - the Monopoly Man hat.

9:04: Rihanna kicks off the show performing "Disturbia," her crazy, yet sexy, ode to life on Mars. It looks like she's standing atop a two-story birthday cake. Damn, it's not my birthday.

9:07: Is Rihanna rocking a mullet?

Overall a very, very sexy performance, but I can't help but think Rihanna is trapped in one of Jigsaw's traps.

9:08: Ladies and Gentleman ... Russell Brand. Wait. Who?

(Editor's Note: Russell Brand is a very well-known comedian in England. You know, the foreign singer in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.)

Oh ok. Ladies and Gentleman ... The foreign singer from Forgetting Sarah Marshall!!!!

9:10: He just called Kanye West “Can-ye West.” Forgive him, he's British.

9:12: It was bound to happen – he just shouted out Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama. Unfortunately Barack couldn't be here tonight, on account of he's a Presidential nominee. Bill Clinton on the other hand is sitting right next to Monica - the singer, not Lewinsky.

It was bound to happen – he's taking shots at George Bu ... hahahahah he just called George Bush a cowboy! John Wayne and T.O. can't be too pleased.

9:13: It was bound to happen – he just called Sarah Palin, the Governor of Alaska and Republican Vice Presidential candidate, a VPILF – you know a Vice President you'd like to ... uh, you know the rest.

Right now the score is: Democrats: 1, Republicans: -2.

“That's gotta be the best safe sex message – Use a condom or become republican.” Republicans: -3.

Obviously referring to the controversy surrounding Sarah Palin's pregnant, unmarried daughter and the father of her unborn child (wait, is the new Real World season gonna be located in Alaska?), Russell Brand states, “That boy is never gonna have sex again ... He's gonna start masturbating while wearing a condom.” I'm dying inside, but I'm watching this with my mom and sister, so no laughing out loud for me.

Continuing on his sex rampage – he just called the Jonas Brothers virgins. Ouch. The truth hurts.

Reminiscing about the Madonna era, “Like a virgin Jonas Brothers, not actually a virgin Jonas Brothers.” Jonas Brothers: -2.

Yet another blow to the Republican Party and the Jonas Brothers, Brand says that he can’t believe America has put up with eight years of Bush (Republicans: -4). Then he goes on to say, eight years of bush is what the Jonas Brothers are gonna have to cram into their bachelor party - priceless (Jonas Brothers: -3).

Nick, Joe and Kevin must feel like they're in high school. I mean Russell Brand is making them his personal punching band. Well at least the VMA's aren’t that big of a deal. Keep ya heads up boys! Nobody’s watching!

9:15: Jamie Foxx comes out to present the Best Female Video award. YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA. I'm from Riverside Jamie! Thanks for asking!!!! Coincidentally, after saying, “give it up for the ladies,” the camera man directed the camera in the direction of Zac Efron. I think they thought Zac was Ellen DeGeneres.

9:16: Britney Spears has a video?!?!?!?! And not one of her dropping, dangling, or punting her child? I thought she called it quits after "Oops…I Did It Again." No?

And the winner is … Britney Spears, "Piece of Me." This is a monumental event ladies and gentleman, Britney Spears has just been awarded her first ever Moonman! Ah, all is right in the world!

After giving her acceptance speech, my mom blurts, “She should've said ‘and I’m not crazy anymore!’” Touché.

To close her acceptance speech, Brit shouts out God – how original.

9:20: Damn. And I thought I was gonna get through the whole day without seeing Mr. Flesh Colored Beard and Hei… yaaaaaaawn. I wonder how many takes they had to do before Spencer got his one line right. Six? Seven?

First commercial 9:21.

The first segment of the show in my opinion was a success. I was wondering whether Russell Brand would be as funny as advertised (i.e. Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the VMA promos). He was. Well, I mean when you can have a target like the Jonas Brothers and George Bush, you don’t exactly have to be Richard Prior.

On the other side, my dad didn't think Mr. Brand was so humorous – he's a republican.

The most uncomfortable moment? The whole masturbation/sex skit. Why? Well, watch Superbad with your mom and sister and see how many times you laugh.

9:26: Demi Moore (man, how old is she again?) comes out to present Best Male Video. Uh oh, Demi can’t seem to find a mic. Someone? Anyone?

(Side note 1#: I can't help but believe that this whole marriage with Kelso is just one big Punk'd episode. I mean who’s ex husband is cool with his ex wife’s new husband? Did that make sense? Because it doesn’t to me.)

If Flo Rida wins this award, hip-hop is in some deep shit. I call Lil Wayne “Lollipop.”

And the winner is … Chris Brown, "With You."

Another shout-out to God. Democrats: 1, Republicans: -4, Jonas Brothers: -2,780, God: 2.

9:30: Russell Brand takes yet another shot at the Jonas Brothers, this time saying, “It'll b a little while till Taylor Swift gets them off.” Hahahahahaha. Wait. Who's Taylor Swift? He means Hannah Montana right?

9:31: After being beaten up by Russell Brand, the Jonas Brothers make their VMA debut!!!!! … Ya they're virgins.

I can't help but see the Jonas Brothers as the brunette version of Hansen. Right? Mmm Bop anyone?

Wow, I haven’t seen pre-pubescent kids kickin’ it on a stoop since Hey Arnold. I think Lil Wayne went to the bathroom. Not far behind: T.I., LL Cool J, Chris Brown, Busta Rhymes and every other person over 13. Sorry Jonas Brothers maybe 2013.

Oh look, everyone from Nickelodeon just rushed the stage, Miley Cirus and Jamie-Lynn Spears have gotta be in there somewhere.

9:34: (Side note #2: Katy Perry is foine.)

9:35: A commercial for the MTV show Exiled. If you haven't seen or heard of this show, here's a brief synopsis. Spoiled 'My Super Sweet Sixteen' veterans are sent, by their parents, to foreign countries to learn the definition of hard work – obviously because every parent sends their spoiled kids to Africa and/or Kenya to learn good American values. Needless to say, these parents aren't good parents, because if they were, they wouldn’t have spoiled them with lavish 16-year-old parties or sent them to Guam to learn what they should’ve been teaching them since birth. However, the concept behind a show teaching parents how to parent wasn’t sexy enough for MTV. Exiled everyone.

9:40: {Cue up the Ron Burgundy voice} Attention everyone ... I have a very urgent announcement. In case you haven't heard already, Katy Perry kissed a girl.......and she LIKED IT!!!!

Following a sexy performance by Katy Perry on the go-to-commercial stage, Russell Brand makes a fitting blow j joke related to cherry chap stick ... priceless.

9:41: Mr. Eight Gold Medals fittingly introduces Mr. One Million Records Sold in One Week.

(Side note #3: Just in case you didn’t know, Michael Phelps listens to Lil Wayne before every swimming event, the reason for the set-up).

The beautiful Leona Lewis starting off Dontgetit - off Tha Carter III. (I am singing along just to let you know.)

A shirtless Lil Wayne graces the stage in front of a full orchestra.

(Lil Wayne is the king of puns and wordplay. For example, rapping about a drop-top convertible he says, top slipped off like Janet at the Super Bowl. See what I mean? )

A milli. A milli. A milli. A milli. A milli. A milli.

9:44: A text from my girlfriend Khassaundra: lil wayne keeps grabbing his crotch lol Come to think of it – he is.

After a verse from A Milli, Barnum Bailey comes out to join Lil Wayne.

Both T-Pain and Lil Wayne make their way out to the crowd. The only recognizable face I see is Jonah Hill and he looks scared as hell. I think he's looking for McLovin right about now.

As Lil Wayne makes his way back to the stage my mom says, “His pants are gonna fall off.”

Russell Brand must have been thinking the same thing. “He's losing his trousers,” he says.

9:46: Lindsey Lohan and Ciara to announce the winner of the America's Best Dance Crew runner-up showdown: Kaba Modern (Season 1: Third Place) and Fanny Pak (Season 2: Third Place). Slater is nowhere to be found.

(Side note #4: MTV is really milking this America's Best Dance Crew and I don't blame them. Without AMDC, we’re going to see a lot of Spencer, Heidi, LC and Audrina in their near future. Yeah, I didn't make it past 0:20 of that clip either.)

And the winner is … Fanny Pak! As they joyously run down the stairs, you hear everyone in the building ask, “Who are these guys?” You can tell Lindsey Lohan doesn't want to be around these people.

After the nominees for Best Dancing in a Video are announced Fanny Pak is gone! Lindsey must have gotten Herbie to run them over.

9:50: And the winner is ... The Pussycat Dolls (aka Nicole Scherzinger and friends), “When I Grow Up.” Apparently, instead of drinking water before the show, Nicole drank helium.

Another shout-out to God. Democrats: 1, Republicans: -4, Jonas Brothers: -3,950 and God: 3.

It appears that Doll Domination is dropping September 23rd. And I’m not marking it on my calendar riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight aaabout now!

9:56: Pete Wentz is now interviewing Diddy-ity Kane. Dawn from Danity Kane calls Tokio Hotel sexy. Okay, first, I don’t even know who Tokio Hotel is, and two I strongly believe Diddy wrote all their lines. Welcome to Bad Boy, girls.

“Lil Wayne has made me feel a lot more comfortable with masturbation ... I think I should go to the bathroom for the next 30 minutes.” Again, inside I’m dying, but outside I’m chiseled out of stone.

9:58: Russell Brand just introduces a bunch of no-names. Apparently they're from the twilight zone or something. Ouch, guy #1 hasn’t hit puberty. Anyway, they introduce Paramore.

My sister: “Who?”

Me: "Who?"

Oh, I recognize their song now, well Paramore, Milli Vanilli, Rico Suave, LFO, Len and the Baha Men all welcome you to the One Hit Wonder club. Sorry Soulja Boy you're just gonna have to wait your turn.

(Side note #5: I haven't seen anyone appear so comfortable in yellow pants and red hair since Ronald McDonald. Congrats Paramore front lady!)

10:03: Some people go to school to find friends. Some people turn to eHarmony. Some people go to clubs. Paris Hilton on the other hand, finds her best friends on an MTV show. Not again! Didn't she seen what happened to Tila Tequila?

10:07: Another shot at the Jonas Brothers. I sure hope their parents aren’t recording. Democrats: 1, Republicans: -4, God: 3 and the Jonas Brothers: -10,000. (Now I know you’re asking, Brian, why is the Jonas Brothers' total going up and up each time? Well, I’m adding in every joke being said behind their back. Oops, 10,001)

10:08: Slash and Shia Labeouf are presenting the Best Rock Video. Wow, I haven’t seen Slash since the final level in Guitar Hero 2!

Apparently Mr. Ashley Simpson did a remix of Michael Jackson’s classic, "Beat It." I thought he only had the "Arms Race" Remix featuring Kanye West.

And the winner is ... Linkin Park, “Shadow of the Day.”

10:10: Ouch and a close up of fresh loser, Pete Wentz and seasoned loser Ashley Simpson. Who wants to place a bet that their baby comes out bigger than Pete? I'll give you 5 to 1.

10:11: Hannah Montana is playing Rock Band 3, the Billy Ray Cirus edition.

10:12: Pink. I haven't seen Pink since uh, damn it's been a long time. She’s making her long-awaited comeback by performing on the Paramount back lot? Come to think of it, the stage is set-up like a modern rendition of Westside Story, only no Mexicans. And no story.

(Side note #6: Doesn’t Pink look like a white Rihanna or vice versa?)

10:14: Pink bends down and ooooooo she didn’t use the Jennifer Lopez endorsed double sided tape. Those pictures are gonna be all over the internet tomorrow, mark my word. Wait, never mind, Pink decided to go with the more subtle duct tape, carefully placed over the nipple. Never would’ve thought about that. But I’m glad Pink did. Come to think of it, Pink is pretty hot – in an I’ll-kick-your-ass kind of way.

10:16: The promos keep saying that the characters on The Hills are our friends. I don't think LC has any friends. Wait! LC and Paris Hilton need to hook up somewhere.

10:20: Damn it. I gotta hear that damn Ting Tings song again. Hov.

10:21: Attention Pete Wentz, the F’N MTV stage is across the street. Hehehehehehe. His giggling is making me giggle. Hehehehehehe.

10:22: Another stab at the republican party. Republicans: -5.

Uh, and to announce the Best Hip Hop Video Award, Slipkn … MCLOVIN!!!!!!! It's only fitting that Slipknot announces this award because … give me a minute ...

10:24: All these artists, minus Flo Rida, deserve this award. And the winner is … Lil Wayne for "Lollipop"! He has three ‘Thank You’s. God, family, and ya'll. You're welcome Lil Wayne!

Democrats: 1, Republicans: -5, Jonas Brothers: 120,890, God: 4 and Brian: 1.

10:26: John Legend and Jordin Sparks come on to introduced T.I. Jordin Sparks just defended the Jonas Brothers' virginity. Wow, Jordin Sparks and The Jonas Brothers! Those four together are gonna make a great abstinence campaign on Noggin. The recently released T.I., is performing his smash single, “Whatever You Like.”

Wait. Who is that girl in the pink?!?!?!?!?!?! In the words of Ice Cube and Chris Tucker, “DAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!” This girl in the pink is giving Kobe’s wife a run for the "Good God" award.

Did I mention pink is my new favorite color?

yhfhhdfsuyeufhdfbdhbdjhfhufdfbdfhd.

(Ed. Note: Sorry. Brian's tongue fell out of his mouth and landed on the keyboard.)

Huh? What? Am I dreaming?

(Ed. Note: Back to the article.)

10:29: Out pops Rihanna. Chris Brown is a lucky lucky man.

10:30: A quick shot of the Jonas Brothers. Unfortunately, they don't know how to dance to hip hop. Taylor Swift, God bless her heart, is trying.

10:31: So they follow up T.I.'s performance with an announcement that the cast of High School Musical is coming up in 5 minutes. I'll be back in 10.

10:37: And the cast of high school ... yaaaaaawn.

10:38: Christina Aguilera. She's performing in front of a big screen rolling through all her good videos. I mean, all her okay videos. Ok ok they're just going through all her videos.

Give it up for Christina Aguilera playing the roll of Catwoman! Halle Berry must be relieved someone is taking the bomb known as Catwoman off her hands. During this "Genie in a Bottle" remix, I've come to the conclusion she's Ashley Simpson-ing it. She's claiming she's a super bitch. Her magical powers? She can fire a make-up specialist with the wave of her hand.

10:43: Russell Brand apologizes to the Jonas Brothers saying he never meant to piss them off. In actuality he meant the opposite. Well, not that he wanted to piss on them or anything. Ladies and gentleman, R. Kelly!

Lauren Conrad and Chase Crawford come out to introduce Best New Artist and the winner is … Tokio Hotel. Hold on, Soulja Boy you’ll get into the club eventually.

10:46: Another Paris Hilton commercial. God I hope this show fails miserably.

10:49: Ladies Love Cool James. He's trying to top Macy Gray's outfit in 2001 as the absolute worst product placement in VMA history. Even though the leprechaun green shirt makes a strong case for Uncle L, I gotta go with Macy Gray on this one.

10:52: Paris Hilton walks on stage.

(Side note #7: One time I want someone to hide Paris’ cue cards. Just once! Is anyone with me?)

Anyway, Paris announces Best Pop Video. And the winner is ... Britney Spears, “Piece Of Me!” Uh oh Paris Hilton and Britney Spears together again, hopefully Brit is wearing panties this time.

Yet another shout-out to the Almighty Father. God: 5

10:53: How did Lupe fiasco get stuck on the go-to-commercial stage?

10:57: Okay I’ve seen this damn Christina Aguilera Insight perfume commercial almost as many times as the Jonas Brothers have been made fun of tonight ... Okay it’s over, at least I can go another 15 minutes without seeing it ... damn it.

10:59: Josh Beck and Drake Bell come out next. I thought all the High School Musical people were introduced already. Kid Rock comes out performing his summer hit, “All Summer long." As publicized, out pops Lil Wayne in a Kanye West inspired ensemble and a Charlie Chaplin inspired derby. I gotta Limewire, oops I mean, iTunes this remix.

11:10: Mr. Gold Medalist/2008 NBA MVP Kobe Bryant walks out on stage. Watch out Kobe, Britney’s watching! Here it is, the biggest award of the night, the Video of the Year. Where’s "Lollipop"? And the winner is ... Britney Spears, “Piece of Me.” Now that's the third of the night for Brit. Me personally, I'm just glad Kobe isn't in Colorado.

11:13: And to close out the show, Mr. Can-ye West! Performing his new song, “Love Lockdown.”

11:14: Reminscent to his Glow in the Dark tour set-up, a solo Kanye graces the stage rocking a beige suit and a beating red heart pinned to his chest. Behind him, a beautiful glimpse of life in Arizona - desert.

11:15: This is a pretty catchy song. I'm gonna have to Limewi - I mean, iTunes it tomorrow.

11:17: And that's all folks! Thanks for watching the VMAs! See you next year!

And thank you for following my diary, friends. Now if you'll excuse me I need to google the girl in the T.I. performance ...